The Rum Dummy drinks Clarendon 37 year old 1984 Thompson Brothers

After being kicked off this site for trying to be funny and not being funny, I'm back!!!

And there's a good reason too. Kravitz found out that he wasn't very funny either. Last month, a woman left him because he thought he was sooooooo hilarious. Yes, she ditched him for it. He thought he got jokes, but instead he got dumped. It's true! [Ed. note: Dude.]

Also he has a lot of rum samples and, as you can tell, the guy can barely deliver his scotch reviews on time. So I figured I'd grab a 37 year old rum before I get kicked off this site again.

What is the difference between a Clarendon, a Clairin, and a Claritin? I don't know, I am the wrong person to ask. And if I came up with an actual punchline, I'd be sacked again.

Clarendon 37 year old 1984 Thompson Brothers for Auld Alliance, 62%abv

Hot stuff. I think it was aged for 34 years in Jamaica and three years in Scott Land. The Thompsons usually do whisky things, so I don't know where they got a rum cask from. Probably Jamaica.

Nose - Yummy. Milk chocolate, warm toffee, lots of vanilla extract. But there's also something good weird going on behind the pretty stuff. There are rotting black walnuts, olives, root beer, and chicory. And no, I did not add water. Because.

Palate - Mint leaves and black licorice rubbed in the dirt. Lemons. Something milky. It's not what I thought it was going to taste like. It also has a Clement (yes, the Rum Dummy drinks other rums and doesn't understand them either) herbal thing going on. It's very salty and has a kind of bitterness that I've never tasted before. I'd like to add that it doesn't burn like 62%abv. If everything this strong drank this easily I'd already be dead and Kravitz would be calling me The Dumb Rummy.

Finish - It's like licking stones. And there's that weird bitterness, which I kinda like. Burnt coffee and burnt grapefruit?

Yay old rum! But I'm very confused by the process that takes booze from one former brutalized British property, ages it some more in a current brutalized British property, only to sell it in another former brutalized British property. No wonder this liquor is so bitter.

Uh oh. I think that was a joke. Will Diving for Pearls allow me back? Gosh I hope so, because he has Uitvlugt. Uitvlugt! Funny, right? How about Uitvlugt bottled by Murray McDavid?

NOT WHISKY RATING: B

The Rum Dummy drinks 2 Foursquare rums

Randy Brandy isn't the only funny writer on this site. The Rum Dummy has jokes!

Hey look, I am drinking two Foursquares, or should I say......Sixteen?

No wait, there's two. I'll start again.

Hey look, I am drinking two Foursquares, or should I say......Thirty-two?

But what if it's two times four to the second power. I'll start again.

Hey look, I am drinking two Foursquares, or should I say......Sixty-four?

Wait wait that doesn't work because it's Foursquares not Foursquared. I'll start again.

Hey look, I am drinking two Foursquares, or should I say......Eightsquares?

So?

Pretty good, huh?

Yeah, just wait until I review some Uitvlugt. Uitvlugt. Hilarious, right?

The first rum today is:

Foursquare 10 year old Criterion (bourbon & Madeira casks) blended rum 56%abv

Richard Seale of Foursquare distillery uses big words like "Criterion" and "Exceptional" on the bottle label, which are weird words to see on a rum label. But I also see "Blended" and "Rum", and I know what those words mean. People who sold these bottles said the rum was aged in bourbon casks for 3 years, then Madeira casks for seven years. They could be right, I don't know.

Nose - Bourbon, dusty old shoes, cocoa, caramel, cloves, pinot noir, honey mustard and vanilla. Putting water in the rum makes the rum smell spicier.
Palate - It's hot on my palate and also tannic. Also lemons, sweet oranges, cinnamon and little bit of almost-Jamaican funk. Putting water in the rum makes the rum taste mostly the same, maybe sweeter.
Finish - Long, hot, tangy, sweet, bitter oak and baking spices. Putting water in the rum cools down the finish, leaving it very tannic.

It smells very very good. Tastes mostly good. Lots and lots of woodiness though. I don't know how much this matters because no one's selling this rum anymore.

NOT WHISKY RATING: B-

Hey, I also know some funny limericks!

Oh, yeah, there's another rum here. Stick around for my funny limericks after the second rum.

The second rum is:

Foursquare 12 year old 2005 (bourbon casks) blended rum, 59%abv

This is kinda like a sequel to the 11 year old I reviewed last year. Just bourbon casks. The 12 year old rum's label says "full proof" just like 11 year old's and is the same exact ABV as the 11 year old. Is that magic? I'm so confused.

Nose - It smells medicinal. And there's caramel, vanilla, milk chocolate, plastic toys, citrus and root beer. Putting water in the rum doesn't change it much.
Palate - Softer than the nose. Smaller medicinal note. Toasted almonds, caramel sauce, bourbon and bourbony cherry note. Putting water in the rum makes it tannic and sweet.
Finish - Sugar, hotness, vanilla, caramel, a little bit of funk. Very long. Putting water in the rum makes it tannic and sweet.

This is like a bourbon from an ex-Islay cask. Sort of. Better wood notes than the Criterion. Better finish too. I like it better.

NOT WHISKY RATING: B

Okay, so here's my first funny limerick.

There once was a girl from Enmore
Who dressed like--

THOSE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS POST HAVE BEEN SACKED

Rum Dummy drinks Caroni 15 year old 1997 AD Rattray, cask 107

Caroni distillery opened, and then it closed. In between it made rum.

Am I supposed to write more than that?

The distillery ran from 1923 (or 1918) to 2003 (or 2002) sourcing sugar right from the Caroni sugar plains on which the distillery was built. I'm uncertain about the dates because different "expert" websites list different years. What I do know is that Trinidad was its home, and that it had column and pot stills.

I like Caroni's rum because it smells and tastes like fuel. Perhaps I should just drink diesel and get it over with, but I have a feeling that wouldn't work well in Planter's Punch.

Or would it?

This sample was sent to Diving for Pearls by Florin (who drinks rum?), then it was sent to me, Rum Dummy. Thanks to all!

Caroni 15 year old 1997 AD Rattray, cask 107, 46%abv

My review:

Nose - Candy. El Dorado and candy canes and cherry bubblegum and Hampden (but not much Hampden). Also lots of vanilla extract and chewy caramel candy.

Palate - Not as sugary as the nose. Ginger and mint and lots of spice. Mothballs and salt. Okay, I tried to not drink it all in 5 minutes and found some funk and sour.

Finish - Warm, spicy, sweet. Bourbon?

Caroni's name is on this but it could be many other rums. Or a blend of rum and bourbon. It's easy and mellow. Probably works in many cocktails. Why am I disappointed? Why am I off to the gas station to get a fifth of 87 octane?

NOT WHISKY RATING: C+ or B- (i can't decide)

The Rum Dummy drinks Hampden 18 year old 1998 Kill Devil

I like three things. Rum, not reading rum reviews and not writing rum reviews. But Mr. Diving for Pearls gave me free rum (which is better than rum) so I'll write this. But I won't read it.

I've been told to thank "MAO" for this rum because "MAO" finances this entire site. Thank you, "MAO"?

Hampden distillery makes good rums. Their old rum is usually not cheap. Their old rum is usually not in America. The old rum is in Europe because Europe is so much closer to Jamaica than America is.

You can keep shipping costs down by piggybacking off your sad friend who buys at least 14 whiskies a month from Europe and then brags about it. The more he buys, the less you pay. Everyone wins, except for him.

I had nothing to do with this picture.

A review:

Nose - Olives, black licorice, honey. Banana nut loaf. Hot tar, dead leaves. Lots of brine. Ping pong paddle.

Palate - Charred pizza crust, black olives, honey, leather, soil and black sesame seeds. Blackberry jam, with salt.

Finish - Charred pizza crust, sesame seeds and red pepper flakes. WD-40. Banana pudding. Salt. Good.

Three interesting things about this rum. It has no grain, but there's bread to it. I can't stop drinking it. I can't stop drinking it.

I'm naming my next dog Hampden. Or Kill Devil.

NOT WHISKY RATING: A-

The Rum Dummy drinks Amrut Indian Whisky, Jamaican Rum Cask Finish (Blackadder)

I like rum. When Mr. Diving for Pearls sent this whisky to me, I reminded him I only review rum. Then I smelled it and understood.

I don't like whisky for two reasons:
1. Online whisky people. Scotch fans make bad financial decisions, then brag about it online. Bourbon fans are angry. Do happy people drink whisky?
2. Whisky is not rum.

This label says whisky:

This stuff was released by that company that sprinkles mustache stubble into every bottle.

Why.

Diving for Pearls sent me two samples. One said "61.2%abv", the other "Diluted to 45%abv".

The only thing I like less than whisky is an adjective, so this review makes me, er, nervous.

"61.2%abv"
Nose - It's not whisky. It's Hampden. Olives, brown sugar, honey, orange oil and tire rubber. Vanilla.
Palate - Very sweet. Hot. Dunder and soot. Ginger. Wood, vanilla and jalapeños.
Finish - Very sweet. Lemons, olives, brown sugar and vanilla.

"Diluted to 45%abv"
Nose - Mt. Gay levels of sugar and caramel. Cinnamon bread, cardamom, orange oil and cloves. Disappears quickly.
Palate - Foursquare? Olives, molasses, vanilla, flowers and American oak.
Finish - Sweet, tingly, vanilla-infused rum.

This is good because this is rum.

This is not a complaint, but, um, Blackadder knows that the rum must be poured out of the barrel in order to call it an "ex Jamaican Rum cask", right?

If you like Hampden or Foursquare, then this w****y won't be the worst thing. But this cost $150. That's the worst thing.

NOT WHISKY RATING: B

The Rum Dummy drinks......Foursquare 11 year old 2004 Barbadian Rum

I like rum. Sweet rum is not for me. Very oaky rum sometimes smells like bourbon. Foursquare is in Barbados. 4chan is everywhere. This one time, my friend did a shot of Bacardi 151 and threw up in my face. Diving for Pearls is paying me in rum to review the rum I drink. This bottle was bought because of hype. That's a bad reason to buy things.

Here's the bottle's label with the bottle's information.

Why put "Exceptional Cask Selection" on the label? What does that mean? If they left it off would they have sold fewer bottles? I won't buy the next bottle that brags about itself. Who am I kidding? Yes, I will.

I drank this Foursquare Rum from St. Philip, Barbados without water, with water, and as a Dark 'n Stormy, a cocktail I don't like. I also don't like adjectives so this review makes me nervous.

Nose - Melting candles, motor oil, vanilla ice cream, burnt dunder. Water wipes the dunder out. Replaces it with bananas, caramel and citronella.
Palate - Bananas and lighter fluid. Olives and sugar. Vanilla, lemon Warheads and cayenne pepper. Water doubles the bananas. More cayenne pepper. Some brine.
Finish - Bananas and lighter fluid. Olives and sugar. Vanilla, lemon Warheads and cayenne pepper. I copy and pasted.

It's not good in a Dark 'n Stormy, a cocktail I don't like. So I ate the lime garnish.

The rum fits in a glass. It smells good. It tastes.

It's big. Smith & Cross Jamaican rum is big too. It costs less money and no one is going to tell you to drink it. Not even me.

This is rum, so I'll drink it.

NOT WHISKY RATING: B-