...where distraction is the main attraction.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Storm

After experiencing the loss of someone close to you, what follows is partially about healing, but also largely about learning and adapting.  Healing has a connotation of mending so that one can get back to the life before the injury.  But there is no full return.  After a loss, one learns many things about oneself -- feelings, thoughts, and ideas, but mostly feelings -- he or she would never have otherwise known.  Then after the learning, one takes the experience and merges it with the life going forward.

Some people experience pure grief.  Others postpone it so that they may forget about themselves and help those who suffer.  Some people go back to work in order to maintain some level of equilibrium.  Ultimately we all feel things at different speeds and in different colors.

Three months ago, I posted a short piece called "Awake" announcing on this blog that we were pregnant with our first child.  I have since regretted that post deeply, because I now have to write this follow-up.

We lost the pregnancy and our little boy with it.

It's been a difficult year, probably the most difficult one I've faced in my first three and a half decades.  My health has not been its best.  Our home has been (mostly figuratively) polluted by our neighbors.  My job has become insufferable.  I have spent over 500 hours on the road going to and from work over the past 9 months.  I've seen dozens of drunk drivers swerving all over the freeway first thing in the morning.  I have seen housepets with their eyes torn out and beheaded on a Tuesday, crushed by gardening equipment on a Wednesday, flailing to death after being run over by a truck on Thursday.

It's safe to say that I have retreated from society a bit.  I have gotten even worse at returning emails and calls, for I which I am very sorry because the only lightness I have found is in the people I have met.  From doctor's offices, to operating rooms, to supermarkets, to restaurants, to living rooms, the people in my life are the best part.  And I am thankful for them.

This blog, with all of its whisky posts, has been a welcome distraction.  If it ever becomes too much of a distraction, I will openly address it.  But for now, it allows me to fixate on something I enjoy.  The next two whisky reports (one this week, one next week) will be bittersweet because they were the pregnancy celebratory whiskies.  I will be retiring them from my life with those posts.

I feel very conflicted writing this post.  This blog was originally intended to be about my personal journeys, not just about one particular amber restorative.  Yet the 200+ whisky posts have brought an audience much wider than my local friends and family.  Thus many of you don't actually know me.  And here I am disclosing private things; wounds, scars, and all.  Come for the whisky, stay for the despair?  No, if you're here for the booze, thank you.  Just think of this as a bit of additional perspective to my thoughts on the next two whisky posts.

If you're here just to be here, thank you.  I still intend to post non-whisky things someday soon, but for now, this is all I can focus on.

9 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Alexa. I was looking forward to seeing you in May before the trip was cancelled. Hope to see you soon. I'll let you know the next time I'm in MD.

      Delete
  2. Mike,

    Whether you post about whisky or family, the act of communicating with others serves at least to introduce you on some personal level; it's why we connect, otherwise it is just a series of notes. While these relationships may be different than face-to-face, we still become "friends". As a friend, your news is devastating and saddening - something I can only imagine, but likely very poorly compared to the actual experience. My heart goes out to you and your wife during this very difficult period. We do have a friend who suffered similarly and the good news is that the next time everything went smoothly and successfully for her and we will hope you will also find your way through to parenthood in the future. For now, focus on your wife, remember that you can move forward and that you are not alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Eric. After this happened we discovered that many people we knew (or their loved ones) had experienced something similar. And, like your friend, the next time(s) went very well. I appreciate your thoughts and support!

      Delete
  3. Appreciate your words, candor and humanity. Raise a glass to brighter days!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, RD! We'll be raising that glass tonight.

      Delete
  4. Hi Michael,

    I don't know you, but I'm a whisky/ey aficionado in socal. It sounds like you've had a horrible year, and I'm sorry to hear it. Thanks for sharing, and thanks for writing. I hope your summer looks up.

    Vincent

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Vincent! Best wishes on your sound design work and the bitters!

      Delete
  5. Michael,

    Don't forget that The Lord is the source of all life and death, and that he sometimes (often, really) uses tragedy to get our attention, so I strongly suggest turning toward him for answers during this time. Also don't forget that from his perspective, death is not the tragedy it is from our limited perspective - he's simply calling those souls home to be with himself!

    -Ryan

    ReplyDelete