...where distraction is the main attraction.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Tale of Talisker Storm

On the 14th floor of Headquarters, Dale and Dean, two Diageo marketing associates, stand side by side urinating in the Men's room while sipping Smirnoff on the rocks.
         Dean says to Dale, "So we got the green light to bottle those six-year-old Talisker malt leftovers that Bell's, Buchanan's, and VAT 69 rejected."
         Dale responds, "Ah yes, the whole rejuvenated cask pitch.  Good work on that one."
         "Good work to you, sir, for convincing them to sell it for more than the 10 year old.  Unique, bold, vivacious in fact."
         "Like the whisky!"
         "Whatever you say, man."  They laugh, clinking their glasses, pissing into urinals chiseled from Rosebank distillery stone.
         Dale asks, "So what are we going to call this crap?"
         Dean says, "Well, it's spirit heavy and a little rough.  And it's from Scotland.  Their weather's shit and they're proud of it.  We can name it after something stormy."
         Dale puts his drink down and taps the urinal-mounted touchscreen.  He goes to Google.com.  Starts a search.  "Okay, something stormy.  Something stormy.  Bowmore has their Tempest.  Cutty Sark has their Storm...  That's it!  Talisker Storm!"
         The urinals flush in unison, gallons of the River Tay gushing down into the sewer.
         "Brilliant!  I'll drop them an email with the name.  This should make all the whiny discerning whisky geeks happy now that they're getting another Talisker single malt."
         Dean and Dale stride towards the bathroom door.
         "Eh, fuck 'em.  They've never been our target audience anyway."
         Dean's iPhone dings.  "Ah. Gotta go. They're installing marble flooring in the shitter at our Brora condo."
         They exit the bathroom without washing their hands.

16 comments:

  1. Hmmm... you don't like Diageo very much, do you! Just a wild guess.

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    1. Was it the last sentence that gave it away?
      :)

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  2. Nice one! Talisker was one of my early malt-favorites. I revisited it recently and it was crap. That was the final straw (I already knew the rest of it was dead-barrel, colored, filtered crap) - I am now 100% Diageo-free and plan to remain that way.

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    1. Thanks!

      I'm getting closer to my Diageo separation! They're making it easier and easier.

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    2. Your description of Talisker Storm sounds a lot like the last Talisker 10 I had - rough and spirity, nothing like the flavor bomb that I remember. When I first read you guys talk about Diageo separation I thought you're nuts - really, give up 40% of the single malt options and some of the best blends? But thinking it through, I realized that yes, it's feasible. In practice we all have a handful of favorite distilleries, and for the rest we just love to play the field for exploration's sake. I could say more, but Michael, how about a post on this topic? Can we live Diageo-free? I'm nowhere as mad at them as some of you guys, but it's a very interesting question. I would miss Caol Ila and Dalwhinnie the most, but would have no qualms about Lagavulin, Oban, Glenkinchie, Glendullan, or some that are simply taking themselves out of contention, such as Talisker and Johnnie Walker. I'd regret faintly Cragganmore and Clynelish. Linkwood, Cardhu, Glen Elgin - we never got to know each other. And please don't buy Beam Inc, because then I'm in trouble - I draw the line at Laphroaig!

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    3. I know, if they buy Beam then that will be a difficult day. I'm a big fan of Ardmore, can't let go of that one either.

      I was actually beginning to mellow out on my Diageo complaints, bidding JW Gold and Green Labels goodbye. Wishing Oban well. Bidding Cragganmore adieu. The Talisker Storm news just prodded me in all the wrong ways.

      I'm looking forward to doing a couple (constructive) posts on a Diageo-free drinking life. The company is so large that the issue is beyond just branding now.

      Thanks for the comment and suggestions, Florin!

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  3. http://i488.photobucket.com/albums/rr248/tgswenson/Gifs/Slow-Clap.gif

    I tried using HTML, but you have it turned off, methinks.

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    1. Kane Clap!

      I'm not sure what's going on with the HTML in this comments section. You should see what the spambots put in the spam comments. Actually you shouldn't.

      Thank you for sending the link to the original article. It made my morning.

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    2. Well, I'm glad I could be of service!

      By the way, if you Google "Talisker Storm", this article is the 4th search result. Impressive!

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    3. Egads. #3 right now.

      PEOPLE! Go to dramming-news.com for the factual article! Oliver Klimek is the bees knees.

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  4. Methinks you've been reading too many of Sku's posts.

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    1. Methinks a few things I couldn't print in that tale.

      I did find a little inspiration from Sku and Driscoll.

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  5. Since your post, Serge and caskstrengh.com reviewed Talisker Storm - and they both liked it. Those pissers of yours must have been up to something after all! :)

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    1. I saw that! :-D That actually makes me happy. If it was terrible, well, that might have made me happy too.

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  6. I've tried it and it to me it tastes like Talisker 10 with more than a few drops of water added. Not bad, but certainly not worth a premium. But I will say that i bought the Storm online for $38 a bottle, so at least some buyers and retailers realize that Storm is an entry level single malt, not a premium.

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    1. I saw Storm on sale in NY for $35 which, like the price you found, seems like where they should have put it in the first place. Not $70-$80. I did actually try it too a year after this post, and as you said it wasn't half bad. Had some good young peppery spirit to it, but also some odd oaky notes (not dissimilar to the notes I've found in some Ardmore Trad Cask bottlings). But it's probably worth a $35-$39 price tag.

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