Randy Brandy and Michael Kravitz drink five 30+ year old French brandies

MK: Randy, I apologize.

RB: Good.

MK: I had thought Malört had a brandy base.

RB: I'm glad you're comfortable with saying that out loud.

MK: We should probably start this thing. Hi everybody!

RB: Kravitz and I are tasting some properly aged brandies today.

MK: Via Zoom.

RB: I can't believe adults walk around saying words like zoom, tweet, tiktok and google. We're a nation of children.

MK: So says the pro wrestling expert.

RB: YOU. DO. NOT--

MK: I'm just saying--

RB: YOU DO NOT BESMIRCH THE SPORT. Pro Wrestling is America's opera.

MK:

RB:

MK: Today we're drinking three cognacs, one armagnac and a mystery pour.

RB: "We"? The fifth one clearly spells out who it's for. So you can sit and watch, Cucky.

MK: Today's three cognacs were all from Vallein Tercinier, the highly esteemed producer located in Saintonge, right on the edges of the Fins Bois and...Bon...Bois...règions......What's that face?

RB: Listening to your French is worse than reading your notes. Your French "R"s sounds like someone force-feeding a Japanese "L" to a suffocating cat.

MK: Isn't that how they say "R"s in France?

RB: Yeah, sure. Make sure you say them just like that to the locals.

---

MK: Behold the first cognac:

Vallein Tercinier 33 year old Lot 86 (1986-2019), Maltbarn #120, 49%abv

Per your request, Barracuda, start it off.

NOSE

Here are my notes: Old leather shoes, new American car, pineapples and mothballs.

I get lime peel, hazelnuts and toasted oak up front. Then white peaches and roses, with tar and leather in the background.

You're wrong about all of those except the leather part.

PALATE

I like the heat. Cognac at 49% has some hair on it. It's also sweet. Fresh ginger, some oranges, leaves.

Are they fresh leaves or dead leaves or--

Leave.

Mmmm, it's very fruity. I'm thinking guavas and grapefruits. Some whole grain crackers. And it is sweet, Randy's right.

Always am.

FINISH

Strong finish. Leaves. Leaves. Menthol and fruit.

It's less sweet than the palate. Earthy and tangy. And yeah, menthol.

RANDY RATING: It's good. B
Michael Rating: Yeah, B.

RB: Good let's keep it moving. Your readers shouldn't have to scroll for the content. This isn't some cooking blog where the author overshares about her 13 ex-boyfriends, two abortions, and persistent asphyxiation night terrors before listing Five Ways to Spice Up Your Mac 'n Cheese.

MK: Okay. Next we--

RB: Actually I'd read the shit out of that.

---

Vallein Tercinier 32 year old Lot 86 (1986-2018), Maltbarn #137, 44.5%abv

NOSE

You first.

It's fruitier than the 33, especially grape skins and figs. Honeyed confections [What does that mean] and leather.

Mothballs, candy canes, dryer sheets and raspberry fig newtons.

PALATE

I like the bitterness [good for you]. Like a bitter aperitif. Some papaya and menthol too.

Not sweet, some tannins. I haven't had all the tropical fruits that this guy claims to have had. So "tropical fruits".

FINISH

There's the menthol again. And the aperitif. Tangy fruit too, maybe guava.

It finishes like it starts.

RANDY RATING:  B
Michael Rating:  B+

RB: Your score makes no sense. I'll start the next one.

---

Vallein Tercinier 30 year old 1989 Grande Champagne, 48.4%abv

NOSE

Mango, toffee, Chips Ahoy, dirt and romano cheese.

First up: lemon zest, the beach and a good dose of milk chocolate. Then a little bit of toffee and, yeah, mango.

That is correct.

PALATE

Tropical fruit gummy bears, some flowers and bitterness.

Holy moley, it's over-the-top fruity. Mangoes and papayas, white stone fruits and kabosu juice [what]. Something nice and sharp underneath.

FINISH

Fruit and flowers.

Those tropical fruits and just the right amount of salt.

RANDY RATING:  B/B+
Michael Rating:  A-

MK: Wow.

RB: A little short on words there, Fruitcake?

MK: That was...

RB: Bet you wish you got that MFA degree now dontcha?

MK: Actually I don't--

RB: Good. Universities are a scam.

MK: So you approve of one of my life choices?

RB: **Chokes**

RB: **Falls out of his chair**

RB: **Struggles back into his seat, gasping for air**

RB: Are you trying to kill me?

MK: Gradually.

---

L'Encantada (Domain de Laoue) 34 year old 1985-2019 for Antioch Fine Wines, 48.1%abv

RB: You couldn't resist bringing out The Orange Wax, you big Bater. That's a portmanteau for brandy and tater--

MK: Yes, I know--

RB: --because you take away the "t" and replace it with the "b"--

MK: I know--

RB: --and that makes "bater"--

MK: I know--

RB: --which makes you a jerkoff.

MK: It's not my bottle.

RB: Bater.

NOSE

Dark chocolate, dijon mustard and a red from Burgundy. Change my mind.

I see the red wine, but it's more like a California syrah. [You're making that up.] It's oaky, slightly gluey. Very dark chocolatey, yes, but there are also hints of applejack and flowers.

PALATE

It's sweeter than I thought. Grapes, berries and bourbon.

It's such a different creature than the cognacs. There's the silky old bourbon thing, but without bitter oak. So it keeps the good stuff and loses the bad stuff. Lots of tangy citrus in the back.

FINISH

Tangy and sweet and bourbon.

Citrus and bourbon, yeah.

RANDY RATING: It's whiskey brandy.  B-/B
Michael Rating:  B

---

Mystery Brandy, courtesy of LV33 (thank you!)

MK: Finally the mystery brandy!

RB: How do YOU have a pour?

MK: I kept ten milliliters for me.

RB: That your name on the bottle, Monsieur ʁ?

MK: So glad we're stopping at five drinks.

RB: Why?

MK: Because you're this close to slurring your words.

RB: But I like slurs.

NOSE

It's fancy. Tropical fruit, rye seeds, brownies and bananas with caramel.

I'm getting guavas, grapefruits and pears. Some milk chocolate and roses, maybe.

PALATE

I dunno, it's NOT BOURBON. Fruits and flowers and no tannins.

I still get that whiskey thing, but also tart citrus, green plums and Christmas pudding.

FINISH

It's long. Flowers and grapefruits.

Christmas pudding with lots of tart dried fruit.

RANDY RATING: My favorite of the bunch.  B+
Michael Rating:  B+

MK: How are you feeling?

RB: When are we going to start the tasting already ever'body?

MK: Need a moment or do you want to guess what the mystery brandy is?

RB: Huh? I dunno, sure. It's armagnac.

MK: Correct.

RB: It's dark like Orange Wax, but ain't no orange wax.

MK: Correct again.

RB: I'd say it's 40 years old.

MK: Um. Yes.

RB: From a 1981 harvest.

MK: ...uh....

RB: A dry cellar.

MK: How on earth--

RB: I mean, I'm just guessing here, but it's Dartigalongue's 40 year old 1981, bottled at 42%abv in 2021.

MK: What the f--

RB: There were my notes. Good night, kiddo. Ah yes, the Leave button--

Randy Brandy drinks Malört

Kravitz thinks he's getting his revenge by subjecting me, Randy Brandy, to Malört. But the joke's on him. I'm going to take this review seriously.

What is Malört?

I actually have no idea, so you should watch this official video for more information. (Yeah that's right, I used a hyperlink. And italics.) All I know is that Chicagoans view Malört with a mixture of pride and utter embarrassment, as they do with their baseball teams, pizza, and Democrat mayors.

The Packaging

Gotta admire the graphic design going on with this six-shooter. The predominant yellow-green mucus, contrasting with the red almost-a-Nazi-emblem eagle.

Each mini has the classy plastic bottle and cap combo used for decades by failed brands that wind up in the 99¢ bin. And what is this? WHAT. IS. THIS.

Why is this legal? There's more alcohol in my cirrhosis medication.

Let's see what else these marketing geniuses put on the box.

Only "two-fisted drinkers"? What about one-fisted drinkers? Like all the people who lost an arm in a Malort fight?

Or a Malort fire?

Or a Malort fuck. Definitely a Malort fuck. I think you’re obligated to lose a limb in a Malort fuck.

Oops, I forgot to put the omelet over the Ö. (Kravitz, don't edit those omelets back in.)

The actual Malört part

Here are my notes:

COLOR - So the liquid has color to it. Is it supposed to have color? It's just ethanol and "botanicals". So where's that yellowish shade, like rusty water, coming fr......oh, that makes sense.

NOSE - It smells like hand sanitizers which smell like shit vodka which smell like hand sanitizers. Also ammonia.

PALATE - Wwwwwwwhat. Why. Why would anyone.

It's all chemical fires, copper wires, and junkyard tires. And hatred. Pure, radiant hatred. It's so hateful, Malört should review me.

FINISH - Vomiting after taking psilocybin or peyote may assist with the process (allegedly). But when taking Malört, vomiting won't help you because Malört tastes like bile. Early morning empty stomach dry heave bile, with the same yellowish tint, the color of impending death or cyborg piss. But I repeat myself.

There were my notes.

Further thoughts

I'm going to go find some strychnine to get this flavor out of my mouth. Someone told me I'd taste grapefruit in Malört. Yeah, maybe if the grapefruit was raped by Mr. Clean. I'll drink anything once. Okay twice. Now Kravitz, you can have the other four shotskis of this Socialist poison back. A little Skål for your skull, you asshole. There better be an apology awaiting me. And some cognac.

RATING: Ö

Randy Brandy drinks three apple brandies

When Diving for Pennies asked me, Randy Brandy, if I wanted to blind taste some brandies, I told him to go sodomize himself with a Louis XIII bottle.

Then he did.

Then he asked me if I wanted to blind taste some brandies. I said no.

I hope quarantine has been cuddly for you snowflakes. I laugh at how stupid you look in your face panties and I laugh at the idiots who don’t wear masks. Me, I wear a bandanna. Made out of backboard bacon. Some people stop me and inquire about what it is. When they hear me croak, “Human flesh,” and smell my sweat-caked MAGA hat they stop asking me stupid questions.

Charles Neal wrote the book on Calvados and named the book, Calvados. It’s a good read and also takes a .22 slug from 30 feet like a champ. Don’t look at me like that. It’s a book, I read it, what else am I going to do with it? I hoard nothing but grudges.

Many of the calvados bottles you see on American shelves, including these two, were surrendered by the French to Charles Neal. Did you catch that surrendered part?

Here are my notes:

LOOK AT THE COLOR ON THOSE, BATERS.
(Baters = Brandy taters, but that should be self-explanatory)

Roger Groult Pays d'Auge 3 year old Calvados, 40%abv

Nose - Flowers, sour apple candy and (American, not Mexican) Sprite. Butter, caramel corn, maybe some apple skins.

Palate - Sugar and vanilla. Nutmeg and ground cloves in applesauce. A bit of eau de vie sprinkled in there to give it some gonads.

Finish - Warm sugary apple juice. Some lemon juice and eau de vie.

More Notes - Almost like a liqueur, a thin liqueur. Probably goes well in cocktails but I don't drink those sad things. It works well in turkey gravy, which I do drink.

Roger Groult Pays d'Auge 12 year old Calvados, 40%abv

Nose - Fewer flowers than the 3, more oak spice. Ginger candy. Honey butter on toasted oat bran bread. Something smoky.

Palate - Less sweet than the 3, thank Jesus and Charles Neal, in that order. Lemon candy, apple chutney. Riesling and oak spice.

Finish - Apple candy, Big Red gum, Riesling.

More Notes - A man can actually drink this one neatly. The oak is starting to show, so the 18yo probably gives you splinters. Some heat to it, but also more texture. Is it worth the extra $40? I don't know, it's not my money.

I will not go gently into this indigestion. It's time for a 126 proof American apple brandy.

Copper & Kings Apple Brandy, private cask for Mid-Atlantic Whisky Lovers Society, 63%abv

(provided by some guy Kravs names "Secret Agent Man", I always thought the title was "Secret Asian Man", now the song makes no sense)

Nose - Toffee, oak spice, white peaches and a caramel-covered Fuji apple.

Palate - Like C&K's other brandies this one brings it large, like Jon Dough in Rambone 2 (GOOGLE IT ON YOUR WORK COMPUTER). It's calvados for bourbon drinkers, bourbon for calvados drinkers. The thunder of American oak and the lightning of tart fruits and ginger ale. And so on.

Finish - Tart and sweet apples, honey and vanilla.

Going to turn this American brandy French by diluting the fight out of it.

Reduced to 40%abv

Nose - Milk chocolate, Cheerios, blue cheese, caramel corn, walnuts. Malty stuff.

Palate - Classic Twix. Rich and creamy. Somewhere between wheated bourbon and long-aged calvados. White rice and lemon juice.

Finish - Caramel candy, mint and plum wine.

I. Like. The. 40%abv. Version. Better. Am I French? Am I Canadian? Oh sacrament, am I French Canadian? Decriss!

There were my notes.

Though none of these is Jupiters Darling, America wins. We win so much, we get sick and tired of winning. Something something them apples.

RATINGS

Roger Groult Pays d'Auge 3 year old Calvados, 40%abv - C

Roger Groult Pays d'Auge 12 year old Calvados, 40%abv - B-

Copper & Kings Apple Brandy, private cask for MAWLS - B

Randy Brandy drinks Two Lous Pibous Armagnacs

Happy Halloween, you goons. Now go buy your mothers some flowers and apologize. FOR EVERYTHING.

Randy Brandy will be drinking up another two armagnacs from independent bottlers, L'Encantada, today. Independent Bottlers. There's a phrase that lubricates the wallets of all you Scotch fans. Let me remind you of something. An independent bottler is just like the narrator in Heart's All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You, they may sound romantic but really they're just out there screwing hitchhikers, trying to get pregnant.

(Don't make me hold forth all day on Nancy Wilson's compositions. They don't call me Randy "Barracuda" Brandy for nothing.)

Randy Brandy don't mind the hustle. I love me my capitalism. It's as American as its founder Adam Smith. Judging by your preferred politicians, I know some of you sensitive types get the vapors when you read about persons, such as corporations, doing everything they can to succeed. Just like me stealing Kravitz's brandy samples.

Unlike "independent" bottlers Signaboring and Garden MacPhart, L'Encantada's hitchhiker seduction is just a side hustle and their cask strength bottlings are priced nicely. Today's hitchhiker is Lous Pibous, whose distilling went seins en l'air in 2005. Contrary to what you've heard, Lous Pibous did not use new oak in a dry warehouse, rather their armagnac matured in a swamp log upon which the owner sang "Rainbow Connection".

That was a frog joke. I have more.

Samples from Monsieurs Florin and Mathieu:

That's supposed to be F4RB. MK gets nothing.

Here are my notes.

L'Encantada - Lous Pibous 23 year old 1993, cask 124, 52.5%abv
Nose - Freshly polished jackboots and apfelwein (see what I did there? No? Curt Schilling would). Antique shops and madeira. Almond brittle, coffee and Stizel-Weller. Yes, your Pappy's Pappiez.
Palate - The whole spice cabinet emptied into your mulled wine. Your grandma's attic. Butterscotch, ginger beer, molasses chews and Angostura bitters. Throw in some crisp old Calvados for good measure.
Finish - I'm like The Kool Aid Man at a massage parlor, "OH YYYYYEAH!"

More Notes - I get it, you still drink $100 bourbon because America. Otherwise THIS is what you should be drinking right now. No more excuses. We just need to get Brandy Boy Sku and his cadre of facilitateurs to float more of these casks across the Atlantic. Alas, the French have not won! It is we who have lost. Well, not me. I'll drink Folle blanche yeast shit like this until Rapture.

Also.

L'Encantada - Lous Pibous 24 year old 1993, cask 16, 53.6%abv, my Jesus how much information do you people need?
Nose - Peaches, roses, limoncello. A carpenter's garage, cut wood and greasy tools. Maker's Mark but better. Pedro Ximenez. Then caramel, apple candy and cloves.
Palate - More fruit and spirit in this one. Sweet lemons and small dark grapes. Fresh ginger and a moldy warehouse. Berries floating in a mineral rosé. Some tannins and caramel.
Finish - Sweet and tart. Caramel candies and limes. Sugary grapes.

More Notes - You know what? Go ahead and drink your Pistle Whigs and Forged Rhetoric. I'm sure those producers and their products are 100% American. This 100% French thing mixes white Bordeaux with wheated bourbon and doesn't throw up, somehow. In fact, it's beyond competent. I should probably drink more. In general.

There were my notes.

Cask 16 is probably great, but Cask 124 would humiliate most brown spirits. I still have one ounce left of 124, an ounce I can drink and not talk about. In fact, it's High Time I get Straight On and listen to a little Dog & Butterfly with the lights low. I suggest you do the same.

RATINGS
L'Encantada Lous Pibous 23 year old 1993, cask 124:  A-
L'Encantada Lous Pibous 24 year old 1993, cask 16:  B

Randy Brandy drinks 2 batches of L'Encantada XO Armagnac

Begging for Pearls brought the righteous Lib indignation this week. Mmmm god it's delicious. Who needs food? JUST COOK UP SOME EAU DE VIE À LA GAUCHE AND SHOOT IT BETWEEN MY TOES.

As an extra Christmas present to us all, Krabs then went full hipster with one of those This Terrible Thing That No One Likes is Actually Good gems because those posts always age well.

And since, like testicles, all good things descend in threes, so Randy Brandy is here to review TWO L'Encantada armagnacs.

At L'Encantada, François and François [Ed. note: Not their actual names.] [Better Ed. note: Shut up.] have Crafted two batches of XO: Lot 1 and Lot 2.0, also known as There Is Pibous In It and There is NO Pibous In It.

L'Encantada found two casks of Domaine Lous Pibous and you won't believe what happened next!

They blended them with three casks of not-Pibous. Brilliant. Because there is definitely an infinite amount of Pibous in the world. Anyway, Lot 1.

Hot for BILFs? Then Lot 2 is for you. 40% of it is 30+ year old fluid, so pull your cork to that. (I should work in advertising.)

That's all the intro I had the patience for. I liked it.

Here are my notes.

LOT 1 - There Is Pibous In It, 46.8%abv
Nose - It's very Christmassy. Allspice, dried cherries, apple pie and chestnuts. Wet twigs and envelope glue. Oaky like an old bourbon.
Palate - Spicy, like pumpkin pie spice. Maple, honey, cinnamon, salted butter and lemon.
Finish - Salted nuts and honey. Tannins and lemon.

More Notes - L'Encantada is good at finding armagnacs that smell like very old bourbon, but don't taste like you blew an oak tree. So, yes this will thrill bourbon geeks whose jaws are sore. The notes of apples, cherries and lemons are also much appreciated.

LOT 2 - There Is No Pibous, 44.6%abv
Nose - Black walnuts, applesauce, buttery caramel, golden raisins, grape juice, some kind of citrus juice.
Palate - Armagnac candy: toasty and very sweet. Speyside whisky aged in new oak. Brazil nuts and toasted almonds. Syrupy and oaky with a little bit of acid.
Finish - Very sweet and tannic. Cabernet Sauvignon and Brazil nuts.

More Notes - Less of the bourbon thing than Lot 1, more brandy and malt whisky. It smells good and drinks fast, but the palate could use some more fruit essence and less sugar. The tannins show its age, but if you don't want any oak in your drink, stay away from L'Encantada altogether. If you love oak then there's a certain aforementioned American beverage that misses that thing you do.

There were my notes.

L'Encantada wants whiskey drinkers and their blind whiskey money. You know who you are. Pony up because you can't take your money with you when you go, especially if you go due to cirrhosis and you're too broke to pay your medical bills. At least there will be more brandy for me then.

Merry War on Christmas, Libs. I'll see you in 2020 with some Pibous.

RATINGS:
L'Encantada XO, Lot 1 - B/B+
L'Encantada XO, Lot 2.0 - B-/B

Randy Brandy does not drink Black & White whisky

Wow, that was riveting.

How about something that doesn't embarrass us all? Of course that isn't a guarantee over here. Let's see what Kravitz is giving me to review.

A mini. And a partial one at that.

You see this? You see what I have to deal with? Actually, you people deal with this on a regular basis. I'd feel pity for you if I felt pity.

Anyway: Camus VS. As in, Camus vs. my need to drink something else.

Hey look, it's another...

Mini.

I'm so honored to drink Courvoisier from the 1980s that I WILL NOT POST A VIDEO OF MYSELF. I mean, who does that? All alone with a camera in his basement. Like a terrorist but without the viewers.

Oh wait, another brandy?

God, this picture is obscene. Those are D'Anjou pears, not Bartletts.

And here are my notes.

First I'll drink the Camus VS. They say it's big on esters, yet they also use small barrels. Yes, the latter has worked wonders for the quality of craft whiskies worldwide. And much to your surprise, it is the cheapest thing in the Camus line.

Camus VS, 40%abv
Nose - Pine, eucalyptus, tea tree oil, orange Smarties, Del Monte canned peaches, rye bread and dried apricots.
Palate - Citronella and peach schnapps. Lime juice and vanilla. And it is so goddamn sweet.
FFFFFFinish - Tart and syrupy sweet.

I'm not going to say they boiséd it up, just like I'm not going to say I poured most of this stuff over some vanilla ice cream. I will say it's a pretty smelling thing that tastes like Not Cognac. So at least you're getting two drinks for the price of one. Tastes good on ice cream though.

RATING: C-

Video Boy says the Courvoisier is from the late '80s. He drinks pre-WWII scotch, then hands me this gem. Hey, Pearls, what'd you do, steal this from a thrift shop?

Courvoisier VSOP Fine Champagne, 40%abv, from the 1980s
Nose - Orange peel, raspberry jam, canned peaches again. Cardamom, cloves, rosemary. Caramel candy and Peeps.
Palate - Wood spice, tannins. More tannins. Lime juice, rosewater and simple syrup.
Finish - A sweet caramel-laden tannic cocktail. With cardboard.

Another great cognac for people who don't like cognac. It smells very good, though it does tease the coming Cloy.  My dentures hurt.

RATING: C-

I'm beginning to feel pity. For myself. This Clear Creek had better not suck or else I'm going to break into Krav's house and steal his ONE bottle of Armagnac. One. How sad is that? I mean, he thinks he has six but his daughters have been swiping the bottles on the sly and flipping them for cases of cherry Tylenol. Nothing wrong with that. Says the man with extra long CVS receipts.

Clear Creek Pear Brandy, 40%abv
Nose - A mix of apple and pear ciders. Blackberry jam, lemon juice, eau de vie and PVC pipes.
Palate - Apples, anise and mint. Very creamy. 100% Bartlett pears by the second glass. And third glass. And fourth.
Finish - Same transition of apples to Bartlett pears. Good tart.

No more sugar or simple syrup or golden syrup or agave nectar or sucrose or galactose or Muscovado or Turbinado or Demerara or Dextrin or Sucanat or saccharin or stevia or treacle or trifles or spotted dick. A brandy can stay close to its fruit without going sweet, like this very Clear Creek brandy. The texture is good and it's easy to drink. It is not complex, but it is pear.

RATING: B

P. S. Achtung, D4P! No more brandy minis, ever. Bring out the real stuff so we can piss somebody off next time.

Randy Brandy drinks 3 Copper & Kings brandies

What a great Friday to be Randy Brandy in this glorious glorious country. Kravitz interrupted me while I was taking a perfectly good crap to tell me this post was due today. So I'm writing this from the toilet. I was also instructed to not make fun of Sku this time.

Look, everyone wants to be loved. Physically. And no one in the whiskey community, save Allison Asterisk of Brenne, has more lusty groupies than Sku. Though it's become a near toss-up since Allison got engaged. Kravitz tracks this stuff. And by "stuff" I mean Allison's Instagram.

Sku's writing style, before he was K&L'ed, was the key to his popularity. He never asked anyone to read much. He would unburden himself of a one sentence post and he got 4000 clicks. Kravitz writes Cloud Atlas and he gets 4 views including his 4-year-old daughter who accidentally clicked the bookmark when playing with her father's phone. Then she somehow found his Incognito Tab and she's been in therapy ever since.

The next day the 4-year-old got into an argument with her preschool teachers, insisting that a horse can ride a man. They thought she had it backwards. No, but someone definitely had it backwards. If you know what I mean. Look, I'd explain it to you but I'm supposed to be reviewing, uh, what I am reviewing? What is this, bourbon?

No, it's American brandy, allegedly. I did some research. And by research I mean I read some whiskey blogs, which was horrifying, how do you people do it?

Copper & Kings was created by the South African American (gotta watch the hyphens there) Heron family who create with drinks that they then sell to conglomerates. Gosh, I wonder what the fate of Copper & Kings is going to be. That's not a dig. That's some good American entrepreneurship. Howzit, Herons? I'm glad the Herons are making brandy, not bourbon. I hope their brandy doesn't taste like bourbon.

(sample from Florin, a man who shares)

Copper & Kings American Brandy, 45%abv

Nose - Apples and bourbon. Um. Sawdust, vanilla, corn syrup and white grape juice. Mint extract, cardamom. Much better now.
Palate - Not bourbon. More like a spicy sweet young cognac. Ginger, apples, horseradish, vanilla. Creamy. Gains taffy and peach candy notes after a while.
Finish - Sweet stuff. Vanilla, bubblegum, taffy.

I was asked by Kravs to add water to these next two because that is what is done. It's a good thing I always bring an eyedropper and beaker of spring water to the can with me.

(another sample from Florin, clearly a socialist)

Copper & Kings Cr&ftwerk Brandy finished in Oskar Blues Imperial IPA barrels, 55.5%abv

Nose w/o water - Grapefruit, anise, rubber, horseradish. Mint and hops. Pine sap.

Nose with water - Mint, pineapple, orange peel, pine sap, less grapefruit

Palate w/o water - Ginger, grapefruit, hops. Also known as IPA. But very sweet. Vanilla, pepper, and mint gum.

Palate with water - Sweet IPA and pine sap, apple cider, brown sugar.

Finish w/o water - Heat, lime juice and mint gum, vanilla. Bitter.

Finish with water - Much sweeter. Ginger and brown sugar.

(sample from Sku)

I don't understand art

Copper & Kings Butchertown Brandy, 62%abv

Nose w/o water - Grapes, blackberries, pears, potpourri, vanilla, cream soda. No burn.

Nose with water - Orange sherbet, cream soda, pine sap, more vanilla.

Palate w/o water - Here's the burn. Hot and sweet. Honey and pineapple juice. Tart cherries, ginger and cream soda.

Palate with water - Peppercorns, oranges, vanilla, tart lemons, very tannic.

Finish w/o water - Tart cherries and caramel, heat, oak spice and tannins, raisins.

Finish with water - Tart lemons, ginger, vanilla, mint leaves.

THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

It's not bourbon. Good.

Do I need to write more?

Okay, I like the American Brandy the best. It's the most brandy of the three brandies. It's oaky, but I expected worse. It's straightforward. It has curves and edges. Wow, that was poetic and unnecessary and I repeat myself. I. Might. Buy. A. Bottle?

There's a lot of IPA in the Cr&ftwerk, which will appeal to IPA drinkers. It is difficult to find the brandy part. It does seem like a new thing, though. And I don't hate new things, unlike a certain blogger whose name is K*****z.

Butchertown is big. America Big. It tastes like oak and fire. It smelles good, but I wanted more of the American Brandy every time I drank Butchertown. Good name though.

Adding water did nothing useful. Shocker. I need to end this post now because my legs are numb and the seat has embedded itself into my ass. So I'm going to give these grades even less thought than usual.

RATINGS:

Copper & Kings American Brandy - B

Copper & Kings Cr&ftwerk IPA - C+/B-

Copper & Kings Butchertown Brandy - C+/B-

Randy Brandy drinks Chateau de Pellehaut Armagnac twice

Wow, that was riveting.

Diving for Kravitz spent an entire month on Glenfiddich 12. Have you ever seen someone try so hard to lose his readership? Well, hold my brandy (or whatever it is that the idiot-adults-who-want-to-be-cool-like-the-idiot-kids say).

After many trips to France on the company dime, K&L's Didactic Duo brought Armagnac to this great country to slake the thirst of their destitute devotees during the Obama years. Two "blog" posts later, every whisky nut with a chile in his ass bought every bottle because they were told to do so by Jesus Driscoll. Or was it "Jesus, Driscoll"?

Now Randy Brandy's going to rewrite the Chateau de Pellehaut introduction that the ginger cartoon formerly known as Sku once composed:

In France there's a place called Armagnac. In Armagnac there are three places called Bas-Armagnac Tenareze, and Haut-Armagnac. In Tenareze there is a brandy producer known as Chateau de Pellehaut. Tenareze is near Condom.

Florin, the Pappy of Armagnac sample givers, sent Kravitz two samples of CdP because he wants him to go Haut'ing. Don't tell me that's not how it's pronounced. Both Armagnacs were distilled from the Folle Blanche grape emissions and were both K&L blue light specials.

Photos of sample bottles are very important

Here are my notes.

Chateau de Pellehaut 16 year old 2001, 48.6%abv

Nose - Dark chocolate, black cherry ice cream, lemon, cinnamon, toffee. That's the first glass. The second glass smells like milk chocolate, vanilla bean, apples and anise.
Palate - Cherries, oranges, toffee and cloves. Kinda sweet. Lots of cask, but good cask. More ginger powder and black cherry soda in the second glass.
Finish - Cherries, mint, oranges, oak spice and dirt.

More Notes - This is brandy for bourbon drinkers, and I'm definitely the first person who has ever said that. But you can keep your bourbon, I'll take this instead. It tastes good, it smells good. The oak knows its place. Meanwhile 16 year old bourbon costs as much as John Edwards' haircut. Remember that? That was great and it's still funny.

Chateau de Pellehaut 17 year old 1996, 50.4%abv

Nose - Dried cherries, apple skins, peach skins, flowers, cinnamon, almond fudge and brine.
Palate - Dominican cigars, almonds and lemon cake. Salted caramel candy, candied peels and candied ginger. There's something between cocoa and leather going on in the second glass.
Finish - Warm baked orchard fruits, oak spice, mint. It's long. Long as......well, you've seen the pictures.

More Notes - Pour this for your whisky friends and tell them it's a 30 year old sherry cask single malt. Or don't pour it for them and keep it for yourself because it's better than whisky.

There were my notes.

How whisky were these armagnacs? My wife, Brandy, walked into my man cave after this tasting was over and said, "Gross. It smells like whisky in here." That's how whisky they were. Jesus Driscoll knew his market.

RATINGS:
Chateau de Pellehaut 16 year old 2001: B/B+
Chateau de Pellehaut 17 year old 1996: B+/A-   (the A- is for the whisky people who didn't buy this bottle)

Randy Brandy drinks Eight Brandies. Thank you, Florin?

Krav has made some terrible decisions in his life, as any of his loved ones will attest to, but this, THIS, is his greatest idea, ever. I, one Randy Brandy, am going to drink eight brandy samples — right now — that were sent to Diving for Perks by some person named "Florin" who must pity Krav because he keeps sending him stuff.

I am so inspired that I will write too many words, in the spirit of this very blog. And I will take the pictures myself.

I will march these brandies in sets of two, like the animals on Noah's ark. Yes, that is a biblical reference. Going to church on Sundays is like brushing my teeth: automatic.

Germain-Robin XO and St. George Distillery Reserve, two apple brandies from the Socialist State of Northern California. So, they're half American, if I'm being generous.

Germain-Robin XO Apple Brandy, 40.2%abv
Nose - Bourbon. Vanilla and anise, some apple, clean laundry, a faint waft of eau-de-vie. But mostly bourbon.
Palate - Thin, but pleasant. Barrel char and McDonald's apple pie. Caramel, pepper, mint. Gets more bitter with time. Know anyone like that?
Finish - Caramel chews, barrel char, candy canes and bourbon. Bitter, tart and sweet.

St. George Distillery Reserve Apple Brandy, 43%abv
Nose - There's some vanilla and tree sap, but there's also lots of classic Calvados. Caramel apples and baked apples. It's grassy and cheesy and yeasty, so there's some fun in there.
Palate - Eau-de-vie right in the face. Think kirsch and sliv. Hints of malt, smoke and mint. Tingly, but never too sweet.
Finish - Tart apples, eau-de-vie. A little bit of pepper and smoke.

THE APPLE BRANDIES:
The Germain-Robin is apple brandy for bourbon drinkers. Do bourbon drinkers even come to this site? Well, if you do, and spending $70 is nothing for you, then you'll like this more than I like this. The St. George is more my style. It has some Weird in the nose and plenty of big eau in the palate.

RATINGS:
Germain-Robin XO - C+
St. George Reserve - B/B+

Burgas 63 Special Selection Bulgarian Rakia and Etter Zuger Swiss Kirsch are some actual European brandies. Kirsch is made from Kirsch fruit (or "cherries" to the freaks), while rakia is made from whatever is lying around in Eastern Europe, like apricots or communists.

Burgas 63 Rakia, 40%abv
Nose - Clean as a whistle. Flowers, yeast, citrons and limes.
Palate - Just like the nose, but with more flowers. Then quinine and lemon zest.
Finish - Tart and floral. Refreshing. I could drink a bottle.

Etter Zuger Kirsch, 40%abv
Nose - Earth, clay, cinnamon and nutmeg. Yeast, lemons and very tart cherries. A little bit of moonshine.
Palate - Mint and cinnamon. Juicy Fruit gum. Oilier and heavier than Clear Creek's kirsch.
Finish - More floral than the palate. Warm and spicy.

THE RAKIA AND KIRSCH:
You'll have to pardon my short notes on the rakia, but KRAV DRANK THE FIRST OUNCE before handing it over in a tiny bottle. Then he tells me to lighten up on the Jewish jokes. C'mon, you take my brandy and then you take my bread and butter?

Both of these brandies are good. But I'm going to buy four cases of the rakia and then bathe in it. It's like someone distilled Spring.

RATINGS:
Burgas 63 Rakia - B+
Etter Zuger Kirsch - B-

Distilleria Nannoni Grappa di Brunello Bianca and Marolo Grappa di Brunello di Montalcino are two grappas made from the brunello grape as you can clearly read from their names. I could tell you that Brunello is Sangiovese, but then some Tuscan would yell at me.

Distilleria Nannoni Grappa di Brunello, 40%abv
Nose - Crisp, simple grappa. No paint thinner, but maybe some glue fumes. Yeast, grass, balloon rubber, prunes, stems and seeds (of grapes, you damned hippies).
Palate - Prunes, grapefruit, grass, ocean water and that glue note.
Finish - More or less the same as the palate, but tangier and grassier. Long length.

Marolo Grappa di Brunello, 42%abv
Nose - Green apples, serrano peppers, horseradish, metal, arugula. This smells like good trouble.
Palate - Delicious poison. Unripe pears and apples with dried cilantro. Rhubarb, pine, smoke and a creamy sweetness.
Finish - Pine, rhubarb, dried herbs and a great sweetness. Long and mouth-filling. Who snickered?

THE GRAPPA DI BRUNELLO:
Due bestie belle. That's Italiano. Neither of these grappas is for the coy. The Nannoni will fight you a bit, and win with its finishing strike. The Marolo is the busiest grappa I've had. I am fond of it.

RATINGS:
Nannoni Grappa di Brunello - B-
Marolo Grappa di Brunello - B+

Back to America, sort of (again), with the Osocalis Distillery in near Santa Cruz, CA. Florin sent Osocalis Rare Alembic Brandy and batch 2 of Osocalis XO Alembic Brandy. Their Charentais still really is from France, and the grapes are from California. Birds of a feather, etc.

Osocalis Rare, 40%abv
Nose - Apples, cloves, caramel and orange peel. Something like dessert wine, sometimes.
Palate - Comfortable. Lightly sweet. Tangy apples and limes. Some peppery youth still at large.
Finish - Fruity, peppery, never too sweet, never too taxing.

Osocalis XO, bottling #2, 40%abv
Nose - Old Speyside malt with baked apples. Toffee, plums, lemons and a hint of leather.
Palate - Take the nose, then add pumpkin pie spice, tart fruit and good heat.
Finish - A combination of baking spice and mulling spice, which are probably the same thing sold to us twice. Apples, mint, long.

OSOCALIS BRANDIES:
While the Rare is fine, the XO is Fine. A brandy for single malt drinkers. A brandy for brandy drinkers. The fruit spice combination, which is just waking up in the Rare, strides through the XO and leaves you smelling like a rich drunk.

RATINGS:
Osocalis Rare - B-
Osocalis XO, bottling #2 - B+

THE WINNER:
Me. As always.

Randy Brandy drinks Darroze 40 year old Les Grands Assemblages Armagnac

Kravitz wants me to keep this brief. Yes, the James A. Michener of whisky bloggers demands a short post. That guy's idea of editing is adding more commas. If he heard the word "brevity" he'd think it was the new Ardbeg release, then camp out overnight and submit himself to a grim sexual encounter just to get a low-res blurry crooked photo of the bottle.

Too far? Good.

Darroze does this series of "Grands Assemblages", or "blends" to be not French about it, in nice round numbers like 20, 30, 40 and 50 years. And 8 and 12 years because they add up to 20. The 40 year old was bottled at the CRAZY Georges Stagg-esque abv of 42%.

I bought this sample.
Just kidding.
What kind of cheap ass--

Here are my notes.

Darroze 40 year old Les Grands Assemblages Armagnac, 42%abv

Color - Reddish
Nose - Great. Almonds, walnuts and cashews floating in red wine. Honey, cocoa powder, cassis and Fig Newtons. Cinnamon raisin bread. A snort of rubber cement.
Palate - Citrus, foremost. Sour cherries, golden raisins and salt. Ladyfingers (the cookies, maybe) in coffee. A nutty sweet loaf. After a while there are bitter herbs and minerals.
Finish - Stone fruits, but less sweet than the palate, maybe more salt. Drying.

There were my notes.

Excellent until the finish. Still, it looks a hell of a lot better than that whisky he drank. What a shame. Brandy wins. This conclusion is getting too extensive. This armagnac probably beats the cognac, but both serve their purpose. I hope Kravitz buys a bottle of this.

Darroze 40 year old Les Grands Assemblages Armagnac
NOT WHISKY RATING: B+

Randy Brandy drinks Dudognon Heritage 40 Year Old Grande Champagne Cognac

I dutifully attended Diving for Perks's Kill Bottle party this weekend. He set out many bottles, unfortunately it was nearly all whisky. Everyone weathered the man's non-stop prattling for hours on end just so we could drink for free. There was much hilarity when he spoke the sentence, "I literally can't even", because he was reduced to articulating like a 14-year old girl. As opposed to his usual 16-year-old girl talk. For reals.

Late into the night, there was much talk of crapping in foreign toilets (he only mentioned Japan eight times) and rum cocktails. But this isn't the Dummy's post, so I'll strut ahead to the main attraction.

By candlelight and everything

There is no age statement on the bottle, but retailers say it's 40 years old, and retailers are always fully informed and never lie to sell things, so let's go with what they say. Plus that'll make Kravitz feel better about himself, and that's always important to me.

Here are my notes.

Dudognon Heritage 40 Years Old Grande Champagne Cognac, Lot G1, 41%abv

I had more than one glass of it. I mean, he left the bottle out, what was I supposed to do? And by "left the bottle out" I mean he hid it under the desk in his office. So I had three pours.

Color - Dark gold, but reasonable dark gold.

Nose - Active right from the start. Lots of apricots, pears, kiwis and fennel. Orange marmalade and lemon zest. A pack of golden raisins. A pack of gummi worms.

Palate - Not much going on at first. Needs 30 minutes and/or three pours. Then it's apricots, pears, kiwis and gummi worms again. More dried fruit and more flowers with more time. There's oak in there, but no vanilla or bitterness. (Sorry bourbon fans.)

Finish - Warm, sweet and fruity. Mostly citrus and pineapple.

There were my notes.

40 years, 20 years, 10 years, whatever — I can say that because I didn't buy the bottle — it's good cognac. I'd drink it again. I am drinking it again. But if Krabs asks you where the bottle is, you have no idea where the bottle is.

Dudognon Heritage 40 Years Old Grande Champagne Cognac, Lot G1

NOT WHISKY RATING: B+

Randy Brandy drinks......Two Cognacs by Jean Fillioux

Well, Happy Christmas, it's time for me, one Randy Brandy, to ruin your Friday with TWO brandies. And one even comes from a full bottle.

At least it was full when Diving for Perks gave it to me this morning.

The other cognac is from a sample, which is a joke, like the French.

The French are great. They gave us Cognac, Armagnac and Calvados. They also helped American colonists kill the British, which in turn devastated the French economy which in turn led to the beheading of the French king. Wins all around.

Here, to prove I don't hate the French, I'm going to list Five Great Things About The French:

1. French Women - My wife, Brandy, is 5/7s French Huguenot. Which means her father is 7/5s asshole. That's Mendelian law. Look it up.
2. "How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?"
3. They're not British.
4. Um.
5. Nope, can't think of anything else.

I make fun of the French because no one ever has before. It's new. You should try it!

Appellation my ass. Cognac is made from grapes, you idiots.

Jean Fillioux cognac is imported into this fine country by my friends at Heavenly Spirits. Part of that sentence was a joke, like the French. (Again, see my authoritative list above, I love the French, blah blah blah.) The Fillioux family — with five generations of men with the Frenchest names: Honoré, Jean, Michel, Pascal and Christophe — caress the tears of grapes into cognac. Et cetera. I'm already pouring the cognac.

Here are my notes.

Jean Fillioux's COQ, 40%abv

Color: Radioactive Metamucil, which is the natural color of cognac.
Nose: It has a raw eau de vie edge, which is great if you're me. Paint, rope, hazelnuts and dandelions. Calvados? Calvados. Your father's cologne. Actually this probably is my father-in-law's cologne, the drunk.
Palate: Apricots, amaretto, honey, cloves. More of the raw stuff.
Finish: Lemons and dried apricots. Sweet and tart.

Jean Fillioux 1992 Millésimé Grande Champagne, 42%abv

Color: Dark stuff
Nose: Black licorice, pipe tobacco, cherry syrup, orange peels, butterscotch. A tart full of baked apples, cinnamon and figs, with a glass of madeira.
Palate: Berries, oranges, bubblegum. Salty toffee pudding. Oak spice and German apple wine.
Finish: Ginger, tart blackberries and bubblegum. Tangy and sweet.

There were my notes.

COQ has the balls to let the raw spirit flop out here and there. The palate has less thrust than the nose and then finishes prematurely. You love this paragraph. It's really quite pleasant overall though. The paragraph and the cognac.

All 42%abv single malt whiskies wished they smelled like the 1992 Fillioux. Turns me into Randy Romantic. The palate is less of a parade than the nose, but it would be great with dessert, for dessert. Breakfast. I'm so glad Kravitz held onto this sample until the 1992 was almost impossible to find.

Jean Fillioux COQ Grande Champagne
NOT WHISKY RATING: B-

Jean Fillioux 1992 Millésimé Grande Champagne
NOT WHISKY RATING: B+

Randy Brandy drinks......Clear Creek Cherry Brandy (Kirschwasser)

It seems like Our Dear Leader is useless today because of something called "children", so he handed the website password to this wiser gentleman. That's right, snowflakes, Randy Brandy's going to write whatever he wants.

So, I had a colonoscopy last week, as is required of men of my enlightened age. Here is my entire conversation with the gastroenterologist. I speak in all caps.

"For the 24 hours before the procedure you can only consume clear liquids."
"GREAT. I'LL LOAD UP ON PEAR EAU DE VIE."
"Actually, that's not--"
"SPIRITUEUX DE CANNELLE?"
"No."
"GRAPPA."
"No."
"FUCK."
"You'll want to refrain from that after taking the laxative--"
"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE."

That meant I had to drink broth for a day, which is depressing because it doesn't mix with vermouth. I was intrigued when my wife, Brandy, told me about some pop-up shops selling hipster bone broth. But I lost interest when I found out it's actually made from chicken.

The day after the medical professionals looked at my magnificent ass, Diving for Girls invited me over to celebrate the birth of his second daughter. Usually Jews bring Slivovitz (kosher plum turpentine) to celebrate the birth of Jewish children, but Kirschwasser is a German spirit so I thought that would be funnier.

Speaking of hipsters. Portland's Clear Creek Distillery makes brandy out of everything from poire williams to banjos. Steven McCarthy fired up the stills for the first time in 1985, then sold out to Hood River Distillers in 2014, thus losing his Portland citizenship forever.

Clear Creek kirschwasser is made from sweet cherries grown in the Pacific Northwest, which is quite locavore and sustainable, especially considering they then ship the product to retailers thousands of miles away. Clear Creek, guys, you know Latvian or Chinese cherries would be much cheaper.

Here are my notes.

Color: Appropriate
Nose: Fruity bubblegum, maraschino liqueur, dried blueberries, orange brandy. Only a mild spiritous note.
Palate: Moderate acidity. Warm cinnamon spiciness and honey. More on sweet apples than dark cherries. Creamy texture, minimum burn.
Finish: This is where the cherries show up and take over. Some late sweetness and bitterness.

There were my notes.

It drinks fast and easy, so the 375mL bottle is a damned flask. The fruity nose is good, the palate is fine. Imported kirsch isn't cheap, so Clear Creek's version is one of the lowest priced options around. Though German and Swiss kirsch often have a better palate than this one, be prepared for $40-$50 for half bottle prices. So, I guess at $25ish, this one counts as a good deal. I guess. It's better than vodka. It's better than cheap Sliv. It's better than Hiram Walker's "brandy". But so is a colonoscopy.

NOT WHISKY RATING: B-, though by the fourth glass it's a B. Deal with that, Kravitz.

Randy Brandy drinks.....Delord Bas Armagnac 33 year old 1978

What's all this jilted lover crap? Pearly Coward is outsourcing his brandy reviews now? At least he picked me. I know my 'gnac. Because that's what the cool people call it. 'Gnac. How about I pour a wee dram of 'gnac and have a #TwitterTasting with the #brandyfabric? Assholes.

I do like brandy, though. Here's Krab's birthday bottle:

He told me he bought it for $90 in 2013. But that's probably a lie, because he just wants everyone to feel bad about brandy prices now.

Here are my notes. I don't do sentences. Much.

Color - Rich mahogany
Nose - Good & Plenty (my nickname with the ladies, nudge nudge wink wink, etc.). Madeira, dried cherries, black raisins, orange peel, flowers and grape juice.
Palate - Shoe polish, no, shoe leather, no, shoe polish. Very tangy. Black licorice and black pepper. There's ginger ale, plum and raisins but they're really faint.
Finish - Tangy and sharp. Pepper, prunes, black licorice and shoe polish.

There were my notes.

Wikipedia says the average infant is 73% water. Just like this brandy. But how much of the infant is boisé?

BRANDY JOKE!

Also, this:

Everyone involved should embarrassed.

Look, this armagnac doesn't suck. It's just hidden in water. This reminds me of what Angus the Acceptable recently said about Connoisseurs Choice. It took G&M 40 years of drowning excellent scotch before they bottled it at a "proper" strength. Just because one can bottle an old brandy at 40%abv, doesn't mean one should. This armagnac was probably brittle at full power. Why drown it then? You figure if someone is buying brandy, he's going to want to taste some brandy and not just smell it.

Krab wants me to give it a letter grade. Good. Numbers are a performance.

NOT WHISKY RATING: C+