...where distraction is the main attraction.

Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Randy Brandy drinks Malört

Kravitz thinks he's getting his revenge by subjecting me, Randy Brandy, to Malört. But the joke's on him. I'm going to take this review seriously.

What is Malört?

I actually have no idea, so you should watch this official video for more information. (Yeah that's right, I used a hyperlink. And italics.) All I know is that Chicagoans view Malört with a mixture of pride and utter embarrassment, as they do with their baseball teams, pizza, and Democrat mayors.

The Packaging

Gotta admire the graphic design going on with this six-shooter. The predominant yellow-green mucus, contrasting with the red almost-a-Nazi-emblem eagle.


Each mini has the classy plastic bottle and cap combo used for decades by failed brands that wind up in the 99¢ bin. And what is this? WHAT. IS. THIS.


Why is this legal? There's more alcohol in my cirrhosis medication.

Let's see what else these marketing geniuses put on the box.


Only "two-fisted drinkers"? What about one-fisted drinkers? Like all the people who lost an arm in a Malort fight?

Or a Malort fire?

Or a Malort fuck. Definitely a Malort fuck. I think you’re obligated to lose a limb in a Malort fuck.

Oops, I forgot to put the omelet over the Ö. (Kravitz, don't edit those omelets back in.)

The actual Malört part

COLOR - So the liquid has color to it. Is it supposed to have color? It's just ethanol and "botanicals". So where's that yellowish shade, like rusty water, coming fr......oh, that makes sense.

NOSE - It smells like hand sanitizers which smell like shit vodka which smell like hand sanitizers. Also ammonia.

PALATE - Wwwwwwwhat. Why. Why would anyone.

It's all chemical fires, copper wires, and junkyard tires. And hatred. Pure, radiant hatred. It's so hateful, Malört should review me.

FINISH - Vomiting after taking psilocybin or peyote may assist with the process (allegedly). But when taking Malört, vomiting won't help you because Malört tastes like bile. Early morning empty stomach dry heave bile, with the same yellowish tint, the color of impending death or cyborg piss. But I repeat myself.

Further thoughts

I'm going to go find some strychnine to get this flavor out of my mouth. Someone told me I'd taste grapefruit in Malört. Yeah, maybe if the grapefruit was raped by Mr. Clean. I'll drink anything once. Okay twice. Now Kravitz, you can have the other four shotskis of this Socialist poison back. A little Skål for your skull, you asshole. There better be an apology awaiting me. And some cognac.

RATING: Ö