...where distraction is the main attraction.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Alligator, Exploding Fire Hydrants, Falling Moustaches, and Fire

(a solid start)
We have a few fix-it things going here at the condo, simultaneously.  Of course.  We received the last of our bids on our replacement windows.  Our current windows are mostly just symbolic, as opposed to functional.  Then, a gruff tatted-up war veteran fixed/replaced our balcony's sliding screen doors in a matter of minutes.  Finally, our chimney-sweeps(!) never showed up.  It's hard to get pissed off at a chimney-sweep.  I just couldn't wait to see his soot-covered face and hear his delightful cockney accent!

We also had a nice Shabbat here.  Candles, wine, challah.  The Albertsons across the street makes GREAT challah.  Like most Jews, I've had terrible challah for most of my life.  And now the scruffy Albertsons across the way makes good stuff.  Also, for those concerned about my health and finances, you mus'nt worry; their liquor selection is the worst I've ever seen.  So, I'll just be forced to walk a total of two blocks to get to three separate liquor stores.

(speaking of liquor...)
I went on a whisky cruise, documented in this recent post.  It was grand, luxuriating on a boat, appreciating five different Bowmores.  Of course, that was in the afternoon.

There was an '80s party in the evening, for which I had to remain steadfastly conscious enough to be the designated driver.  After hours of whisky, it's difficult to stay upright, on one's feet until 1am.  Constant hydration was involved.  As was this:

Fake moustache fail!  But the chest hair never fails.  Here's another picture before the 'stache fell off:

May I add, that's not boogers on the 'stache.  That the reflection of the light off the shiny dead muskrat on my face.  There was a gleam on that thing.  I was one gold Star of David necklace away from being a record producer.

Here's Kristen working the theme much better.

Oh, the '80s.  Will they never ever ever leave?

(a quiet day)
We spent time watching football with our friends, The Forresters, in beautiful Palos Verdes.  We were twice warned of the wild peacocks wandering the roads.  No wild peacocks this time, which was a good thing because my car would have flattened them as we marveled at all of the mansions.

At home I cooked up a solid chili, since the temperature dropped into the 30s.  Yes, this happens in Southern California sometimes...

(you know, like any other Monday)
The chimney-sweeps did show up, a half hour early, when I was inappropriately attired and shaving.  And they weren't Cockney.  They were Gustavo and Caesar.  And now we have a working fireplace.

At Trader Joes, I witnessed a middle-aged woman LOSING HER SH*T to the customer service staff that the bittersweet chocolate was bitter and not sweet.  No, she didn't want milk chocolate.  She wanted sweet bittersweet chocolate, goddamn it you terrible people.  And she demanded to try all of their other chocolate to find the right kind.  Customer service said no.  The woman was disappointed in them as human beings.

Then as I shopped for toothbrushes, I received a call from someone (who will go unnamed) who was ecstatic about an Electronic Toothbrush that he/she was buying me for Hanukkah!  It was difficult to know how to respond to that.  Especially when one gets to the cashier with over $100 worth of food and no wallet.  That was an hour lost.  Only one way to make up for that.

FIRE.  I'm a pyro, and the way things were shaping up, Kristen nominated herself to ignite the flame.  Good call.  Then football.

I poured some whisky to celebrate the anniversary of Prohibition's repeal and started up some turkey burgers.  All was well and calm.

Then outside the window, the sound of brakes squealing.  Then that unmistakable sound of WHUMP...WHUMP.

I ran to the window with that weird dread/excitement of seeing a multi-car wreck.  But there was only two cars in this crash because one of them BLASTED A FIRE HYDRANT SEVERAL YARDS OFF OF ITS CONCRETE BASE.  Which sent a FIVE-STORY EXPLOSIVE WATER PLUME firing into the air, sending pressurized kiloliters of water bursting into the sky.

For almost 30 minutes.  Blocks of streets were flooded within seconds.  At least two intersections were turned into moats.  The fire department could access the off switch because the crushed car was covering it.  They couldn't tow the car because, well:

Getting to the car on foot was one problem.  Getting a tow truck across the deep river and pulling the crushed car from its entrenchment was another.  It was actually kind of horrific to watch the waste of so much water, but it was impossible to stop watching the violence of the burst which was actually audible as the plume escaped the ground.

Ultimately no one was hurt.  But if either of these drivers were texting while driving, I will hurt them myself.

(the usual)
Upon exiting Hot's Kitchen in Hermosa Beach, where we'd gone for a friend's birthday dinner, Kristen and I saw Russell Brand hanging around outside the next doorway.  We had a simultaneous, "Whoa, that was Russell Brand."

At the next intersection we heard some self-appointed street toughs saying, "F*** Russell Brand. He can suck my d***."  And I wondered, how does that come up in conversation?

That almost made me forget for a moment that I'd just finished eating alligator tacos.  No, that's not some cute name for green tacos.  It was a quarter pound of alligator meat.  With cilantro, onion, and capers.  I give it ★★★.

May all of our Wednesdays be uneventful...