...where distraction is the main attraction.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Live Bowling the Super Blog

Welcome to the first and final Annual Super Bowl Post.  There may will be profanity and a severe lack of proofreding.  I'm not sure how fast or furious the updates will come, but I will need to take breaks for food prep and bathrooming and marveling at the spectacle (often all at the same time).

As mentioned on Friday, "I'm rooting for Denver. But if I were a betting man, I would be taking Seattle (+2.5) and the over."  I just quoted and linked myself right there.  With that out of the way, here we go:

7:05pm PST - Thanks for checking in!  Now go watch something exciting!

7:02pm PST - Had I actually placed my planned parlay bet, I would have won have been have myself a payout of 13/5.  But I didn't.  Anyway, somehow Chevy Silverado had the ad of the night, mostly because I really wanted to make fun of their ad campaign, but they beat me to it.  Go 'Merica cars!

7:00pm PST - Kristen and I were so involved in this game, that we're already discussing laundry.  At least Downton Abbey's coming up in two hours.

6:55pm PST - The over/under for bathroom runs was 4.5.  If you took the under you won.  This game was just too riveting.  Or I didn't have enough to drink.

Russell Wilson isn't even sweating during the post-game interview.  I don't think he and his team even had to work for today's victory.  Complete dominance.

6:49pm PST - For all I've complained about Denver, Seattle was excellent.

6:47pm PST - Peyton didn't even get a fuck during that fumble.  I think I saw him texting Eli while his line scrambled for the ball.

6:45pm PST - Not even a pass, Peyton?  You're going to keep making your backfield suffer for what's not their fault?

6:41pm PST - This game isn't worth the dusty bourbon.  I've switched to Miller Lite.

6:37pm PST - So Fox's big surprise teasey commercial reveal was a new season of 24?  This is the shruggiest Super Bowl telecast I've seen.

6:31pm PST - Refs doing okay.  Play-by-play not annoying.  I'm so confused.

6:23pm PST - For those who follow football next year, you'll probably start hearing this Talking Piehole talking point: Can the AFC compete against the NFC?  Similar to the NBA's, "can the East compete against the West?"

6:05pm PST - The only thing that Bob did right in that commercial is shave that Vincent Price moustache.

6:02pm PST - WHY CAN'T YOU FUCKING TACKLE?  "Just terrible defense," says Aikman.  I actually agree.

Okay, I'm so bored/ashamed by the Broncos that I'm going to start rooting for the refs.

5:58pm PST - In more important news, my wife and I are feasting on Turkey Meatballs and Pastry Bites from Trader Joe's, both very awesome.  I'm still working on that bottle of stout.  And the Broncos' coaches are still working on selecting a play that works outside of practice.

5:57pm PST - Apparently Bruce Willis felt the same.

5:55pm PST - A total lack of violence, misogyny, and homophobia in the commercials.  This is the Super Bowl, right?

5:49pm PST - How terrible are the Broncos?  I'd rather listen to Joe Buck speak than watch them play.  Sadly, I have to do both if this is to continue.


5:34pm PST - I'm going to say this right now, even the Giants could beat these Broncos tonight.

5:31pm PST - Halftime over aaaaaaand Seattle already scored.  They are going to get the over on their own.

5:23pm PST - Mandy the puppy just dropped the ball faster than Demaryius Th---

Okay, I'll stop.

5:19pm PST - Wife just brought vegetables into the television room.  I've been told they qualify as food.  I'll take her word for it.

5:18pm PST - Enough Broncos jokes?

5:15pm PST - Loren will be joining the Denver backfield in the second half.

5:14pm PST - So far, the baby pups have shit the field less than the Broncos' special teams.

5:07pm PST - Lots of growth over the years with Puppy Bowl.  They now use the Fox Sports theme and the aforementioned deceased Muppets are advertising on the show.

And Michelle Obama.

Frankly, I'm seeing better defensive execution from the pups right now.  I hope the Broncos' secondary is watching this.

5:01pm PST - Keyboard Cat looked a little disgusted.  Was it because he's a Broncos fan?  Or because they were forcing him to playing Bruno Mars crap?

4:58pm PST - May I recommend the Kitty Halftime show from Puppy, brought to you by my former employers.  It the most watched public-access-quality content in the history of television.  Enjoy.

4:55pm PST - It's official.  Disney has somehow ruined the Muppets.  That takes some doing, but leave it to Disney to get it done.  Best wishes with Star Wars, y'all.

4:53pm PST - Go for it, John Fox, 22-3 is disgusting.

4:49pm PST - Coca-Cola, why are you exploiting American pride for your ads?  You're bigger than America, you don't need us.

4:38pm PST - Blowout alert.  Serious Serious Blowout alert.  While Seattle's defense is playing very well, Denver is playing very poorly.

What's making this bloggery most difficult is the limpness of the ads.  They're neither great nor terrible.  In fact they're quite normal.

4:33pm PST - Halfway through the second quarter and Peyton completes his first real pass.

And, yyyyyyeah, that was a burly first down.  Monte Ball, Badger alum, well done.

4:32pm PST - "Demaryius"?

4:31pm PST - The first time I shout at the television.

4:24pm PST - So, let me get this straight Bud Light is advertising screw tops and aluminum cans?  That's almost as bad as Coors Light advertising that their beer is cold.

And yes, there will be dragons and Mark Wahlberg in your next Transformers experience.  That film series has to be the most aggressive mediocrity in the history of cinema.  What alarms me is that in ten years we'll look back at the Transformers films as the peak of their genre, Big Robots Punching Each Other and Destroying Cities.

4:15pm PST - If you bet the over, you're probably contemplating something you never thought you would......will Denver actually score?

4:08pm PST - As a big U2 fan, I say "Meh".  I hope the rest of "Invisible" or "Invincible" sounds better......I'm already forgetting the song.

4:01pm PST - Opened up the stout.  Anderson Valley took their Oatmeal Stout and aged it former Wild Turkey barrels for three months.  It's good stuff, I hope they do another batch of it this year.

On the football side of things, Denver is doing well defending the run but look very shaky against the pass.

3:57pm PST - My sincere condolences to those whom put their money on Denver covering the spread.

3:48pm PST - Thank you Chevy Silverado.  That was awesome.

3:44pm PST - Good to see Maserati speaking for the little guy now.

3:41pm PST - Regarding the previous two notes.  Denver's special teams, offense, and defense looked weak all within the first five minutes (of actual time, not game time).

3:37pm PST - Wow, Denver.  Looking good.

3:34pm PST - Wow, Denver.  Looking good.

3:32pm PST - It's official, James Franco is everywhere.  He's the attendant in our guest bathroom right now.

3:28pm PST - Joe Namath wearing Suzy Kolber's fur coat?

3:23pm PST - I think I speak for many when I say, I'm glad they went with a professional singer over a pop star.

And get ready for some skull-crushing axe battles in the new "Noah" movie.  Because the End of Mankind does not provide nearly enough of a challenge for the protagonist.

3:10pm PST - I will not mock singing children.  Yet.

Robert Redford is in the new Captain America movie.  Apparently, "All is Lost" doesn't pay the bills.

These are the two beverages for today.  Got yer Old Taylor from the National Distillers era and my one of my...

Oh man, people at the stadium have to listen to Joe Buck's voice too?  I thought one of the perks behind the inflated ticket prices was that one didn't have to hear him at all.

...anyway, one of my favorite beers Anderson Valley Bourbon Barrel Stout will make an appearance too.

Also, am I the only one not understanding why Kurt Russell is playing emcee for the two teams' video introduction.  Why Kurt Russell?  Why both teams?  Why a video introduction, I mean we'll be seeing and hearing about these guys all night?


  1. Got takeout from Gordon Biersch. Considering how popular they are in the state, I'm guessing you have a location near you Michael. The central dining area had a projector set up for diners to watch the game on a big screen. I will say that unintentional safety was probably a good omen or bad omen of things to come based on which team you're rooting for.

    Meanwhile I am attempting to finish off my bottle of Faultline Single Highland Malt.... except I've eaten too many garlic fries and they've destroyed my palate.

    1. I've seen more Gordon Biersches on the East Coast. I think there's one in The Valley out here. They merged with Rock Bottom a few years ago and apparently Rock Bottom's beers have changed, which is a bummer since Rock Bottom used to be one of my usual watering holes in Maryland.

      That safety was definitely an omen. I still can't believe the ads were neither great nor terrible. That's as disappointing as a boring game. Garlic fries are awesome unless one wants to taste anything else over the next 12 hours. Thus they go well with cheap beer.