...where distraction is the main attraction.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Trailer Tuesday!

AND THEN THERE WERE THREE...DEE.

With 3D theatrical attendance declining rapidly, three classics(?) are being pushed into theatres next year with the hope that they'll cash in as well as Lion King 3D.

THE PHANTOM MENACE 3D: 


After releasing, rereleasing, rereleasing, rereleasing, and rereleasing (not an exaggeration) the Star Wars saga on home video -- after rereleasing and expanding them theatrically -- LucasFilms is squatting and squeezing them out in three dimensions theatrically.  Which will be followed by a home video rerelease.

They'll start at the beginning with the unnecessarily poor and BORING Episode I: The Phantom Menace.  If I ever question if my distain for this film is overwrought, all I have to do is press play on this trailer.  I can't even make it through.  Enjoy it in 3D!  For $18 a person!


TITANIC 3D:


So let me get this straight, Sir Cameron.  You want me to sit in a theatre for over three hours and watch a period piece that takes place on a boat in 3D?  Weren't you the guy complaining (here, here, here, and here) about all these new releases that were shot in 2D then upconverted to 3D?  Are you not doing that yourself?  Has your swimming pool run low on gold bullion?

I could definitely enjoy seeing Kate Winslet nude momentarily in 3D.  But I would much rather see a real woman nude in 3D.  Without the stupid glasses on.  She can wear the glasses though, that would be cool.  Which is a natural transition for...


BEAUTY AND THE BEAST 3D:

Super!  Now I can watch those weird crummy CGI insert backgrounds in three dimensions!  And the mentally-retarded bad guy sidekick who falls down a lot and is never spoken about in polite company too!

The upside to having a daughter:  Girls are awesome.  The downside: this and everything related to Disney heroines.  If I have a daughter, she'll develop role models from Bette Davis and Joan Crawford movies (I mean the early ones, not What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? or Watcher in the Woods or......on second thought, maybe just Myrna Loy and Grace Kelly films).

Back to the point.  Thank you Disney for encouraging the $100 night out (without dinner!) for a young family of four during this economy.

Meanwhile the rest of the populace will rock some Hot Pockets and pirated pirate movies.  Or affix their monocles, sip cognac, and watch Masterpiece Theatre on PBS.   ME!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Single Malt Report: Taste Off!

This is part of a three-post series on Sauternes-finished single malts:
Day 1: Glenmorangie Nectar d'Or
Day 2: BenRiach 16yr Sauternes Finish
Day 3: Taste Off!



Before we begin, I must answer the question, what the hell is Sauternes?

It is NOT Burgundy.  It is NOT a red dry Bordeaux.  It is made in the Bordeaux region in France.  Its grapes have been hit by the 'noble rot' fungus which makes them raisiny.  If they are picked at the right time they can make very sweet dessert wines.

So Sauternes is very sweet wine (with a golden hue) that's often quite pricey due to the delicate balance of 'noble rot' needed.  The Sauternes from Chateau D'Yquem isn't even produced in years when the grapes aren't right.

Glenmorangie Nectar d'Or and Benriach 16 year old Sauternes Finish were both finished in casks that had previously used to mature the Premier Cru Sauternes from Chateau D'Yquem.

*Sigh*  You gotta know what you're buying, mate.  I was such a space cadet with this one.  So we'll be going with a little Space Oddity to power the Taste Off:


Aside from their similar wood finishes, both have have a 46% ABV and are unchillfiltered.  The BenRiach is made from 16 year old whisky and has its natural color.  Nectar d'Or is from 12 year old whisky and, since GlenMo doesn't brag about its coloring, I'll bet it has some caramel coloring added---

But wait! You already reported on these.

Sh*t.  Blue Text.  Where have you been?

Biding my time.  Why are you doing another post about these whiskies?

Good question.  The proper way to do a tasting is with more than one whisky.  Comparing and contrasting flavors helps hone those taste buds and olfactory receptors.  Just make sure to have plain crackers and water on hand to clear out the palate often.  Also let the whiskies sit out for some time.  Like with wine, oxidation allows for the nose and flavors to open up a bit.  What becomes apparent is that with all of these factors the whiskies will change and provide different experiences.  You cool now?

Yeah.  I'm cool now.  Please continue.

Thanks.  Here it goes:

Tasting A:
0.6oz, NEAT, in Glencairn nosing glasses, with 25 minutes of breathing time (for the whiskies and I) before commencement...

BenRiach 16 Sauternes Finish:
Nose:  Ether burst leads off, then a sweet white wine like Riesling
Palate:  Thick textured, creamy, toffee w/o salt, cinnamon, overripe cherries
Finish:  Spicy, winey, hot, long

Glenmorangie Nectar d'Or
Nose:  Bubble gum, sweet perfume, brandy
Palate:  Ripe citrus, apricots, molasses, bubble gum, smoother than BenRiach
Finish:  Brief, bananas, cognac

Jeepers, all that oxidation time really changed their structures.  And for the better.  Comparing and contrasting really helped me find more details in each of these.  The GlenMo narrowly wins Tasting A.


Tasting B:
0.5oz, 1 teaspoon of water, lowering the ABV to 36%, in Glencairn nosing glasses, with 10 minutes of breathing time (for the whiskies and I) before commencement...

BenRiach:
Nose:  Alcohol calmed a bit, overripe fruit, dessert wine
Palate:  So smooth, just creamy dessert wine
Finish:  Warm, pleasant, dried fruit, Nestle's milk chocolate, cherry cough syrup

Glenmorangie:
Nose:  Delicious candiness, sticky sweet caramels, some hay far underneath
Palate:  Better smoother wine, cream filled pastry
Finish:  Some of that bubble gum from before, cherry flavoring, bananas

Both are much better with water (and all of that oxidation time).  The BenRiach becomes a dessert wine with fruit and milky chocolate, while the Glenmorangie is a sticky creamy pastry.  GlenMo wins again, but not by much.  Two things have not changed; 1.) these are clearly dessert whiskies, and 2.) there's more wine than whisky.  So, approach accordingly.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Single Malt Report: BenRiach 16yr Sauternes Finish

This is part of a three-post series on Sauternes-finished single malts:
Day 1: Glenmorangie Nectar d'Or
Day 2: BenRiach 16yr Sauternes Finish
Day 3: Taste Off!
Distillery: BenRiach
Age: minimum 16 years
Maturation: Sauternes wine casks
Region: Speyside (Lossie)
Alcohol by Volume: 46%

Normally, I focus my Reports on affordable, U.S.-accessible whiskies and try to stay away from ultra-premium or rare or UK-only malts.  But I'm making an exception here since this BenRiach 16 year old Sauternes-finished whisky sits in my cabinet.  It's not available to purchase in the US, but can easily be found for sale online by UK sellers (my favorites: Royal Mile Whiskies, Master of Malt, and The Whisky Exchange).

So, why did I buy it from Master of Malt without ever having tasted it?

It was a limited release by the distillery, only 1650 bottles worth (probably four casks).  The distillery was well-regarded.  The price was comparatively reasonable for a limited release.  It was meant to counter thevery smoky other purchase (which will remain unnamed until its own Report) I had made at the same time.  And like the GlenMo Nectar d'Or, I was very intrigued by a Burgundy-type finish.

We don't hear much about BenRiach in the States, so here's a little bit of their ping-pong history:

The Benriach distillery opened in 1898 right near the Longmorn distillery.  Longmorn bought them out then closed them in 1900.  Between 1900 and 1965, Benriach continued to do their barley maltings which were then used by their owners.  Glenlivet bought them in '65 and reopened the distillery.  Seagrams bought them in '77 and released their first single malt in 1994.  Chivas bought them in 2001, then immediately shut them down again.  A small independent consortium bought them in 2004, renamed them BenRiach, and immediately started their bottlings.  BenRiach's Classic range is well regarded, but they've become more known for their dozen or so special-finished whiskies, of which this Sauternes Finish is one.

I sampled this neat and then with two teaspoons of water.  The whisky has a 46% ABV, is unchillfiltered, and has its natural color.  All good things.

So first, I tried it neat.  Its color was a rose-tinted honey.  The nose, very fragrant, was toffee, caramel, and lemon zest.  The palate...

It was with this first sip, a couple months ago, that I immediately realized that I didn't know what Sauternes actually was.  I'm an idiot.  The whisky was candy sweet, syrupy, room-temperature-dessert-winey, with butter and little bit of salt.  The finish was very long, strong with drier red wine.  Enjoyed the finish the most.

Now with the water.  No clouding.  The nose changed subtly but nicely -- butterscotch and dried apricots.  The taste had changed as well.  Now it was full of creams, brown sugar, butterscotch candies, and amaretto.  It's finish was still big on red wine, a little sour, sticky, but with a final moment of clean linen.  That was a nice surprise!

My notes put it succinctly: Dessert, better with water, maybe MORE water next time

Like the Nectar d'Or, this is not an aperitif.  It's a candied appetite negator.  Its finish is always the highlight.  I was a little worried with that first drink, as the stuff in the glass seemed to be more wine than whisky.  But adding water transforms it.  Though I begin to wonder, shouldn't BenRiach have worked that out that balance before bottling it?

Pricing - Acceptable at $70-$80 (includes int'l shipping)

Friday, November 18, 2011

Single Malt Report: Glenmorangie Nectar d'Or

This is part of a three-post series on Sauternes-finished single malts:
Day 1: Glenmorangie Nectar d'Or
Day 2: BenRiach 16yr Sauternes Finish
Day 3: Taste Off!



DistilleryGlenmorangie
Variety: Nectar d'Or
Age: minimum 12 years
Maturation: Sauternes wine casks
Region: Northern Highlands
Alcohol by Volume: 46%

I've always wanted to try Glenmorangie's Nectar d'Or.  I've sampled more bottlings of Glenmorangie than of any other distiller.  They were the ones who had awakened me to the wine cask finishes on whiskies -- specifically Sherry and Port -- about seven years ago.

The Nectar d'Or has always been $20 more expensive than the "Lasanta" and "Quinta Ruban" so it would have been a pricey gamble to just go out and buy a 750mL bottle.  By some stroke of luck, I found a 100mL mini-ish bottle of it at a little liquor store in Santa Barbara and paid quite a bit for it.  It's a premium one has to pay for a sample, but it's also thriftier than buying a big bottle of something one might not like.

The Glenmorangie distillery, founded in 1843, uses the tallest stills in Scotland (tall as an adult giraffe, they say).  All that height changes the chemical distribution of the spirit's vapors, which is thought to provide the smoothness to the final product.  They, along with Macallan, have the highest investment in cask wood selection in the scotch whisky industry.  For instance, they only use their casks twice (rather than refilling four or five times like many other distillers) to insure richer flavors develop in the whiskies' maturation.

Though their Original (10 year old) is the best selling single malt in its Scottish homeland, GlenMo produces many varieties, most of which focus cask maturation.  I'm personally a big fan of the "Lasanta" which is the sherry finish; I highly recommend that one and will do a Report on it the next time I have a good dram.  The Nectar d'Or always drew me because it looked more luxurious, had the higher price, gets good ratings across the board, and....it is whisky.

There's one more thing I should mention.  I didn't fully understand how it was matured.  I thought it was in a regular Burgundy cask.  I didn't actually know what Sauternes was.  This will come up over the next two parts of this series as well; I'll clarify in part Three.

I poured myself one ounce and let it breathe for about 15 minutes.  I tried the first half ounce neat, the second half ounce with a teaspoon of water.

Neat:
The color is a light honey with some amber and yellows.  The nose is bright, sweet, no alcohol.  Smells sweeter than sherry.  Then it gets heavier.  Some molasses, buttery caramel, something thick, almost meaty.  The palate is sweet solid balance: whipped cream, dark sugars, dessert wines, and cognac.  The finish sweetens up further, more dessert wine.

With water:
Though this is unchillfiltered, it doesn't cloud up with the water.  But one can see the oil swirling, the color going further towards amber.  There's a little alcohol burn now in the nose, that thick meaty/cheesy scent has heightened, mixed with the sweetness.  No fruits, veggies, or grains in the nose at all.  The palate is all creamy brown sugar and vanilla, maybe a crème brûlée or a custard.  In the finish, ah, that's were the grasses and cereals were hiding.  Plus a little bit of a fresh Krispy Kreme doughnut, still warm.

So, yes, this is more of a dessert than an aperitif.  I like the flavor considerably more than the scent.  Something is keeping me from full-on raving about this whisky.  Perhaps all that sweetness doesn't appeal to my palate like it may have a few years ago.  I don't think that it is $20 better than GlenMo's sherry finish since the Lasanta is more versatile; that one you can have any time and it won't spoil your appetite.

But maybe my opinion will change over the next two parts of this Sauternes series.  For now:

Pricing - Good at $65, Overpriced above $80
Rating - 80

Thursday, November 17, 2011

George Herman Hitchcock project, Chapter 4A: Rich and Strange

Introduction

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2A  and  2B

Chapter 3A  and  3B


RUTH
(1918)

(Source)
1917 had ended on a sour note for Ruth and the Red Sox.  They'd finished far behind the White Sox in the final standings.  Their team hitting and baserunning were below league average.  Their pitching remained their strength, but was also bested by Chicago.

Then, just as the season was closing up, the draft for The Great War took away more than half of their roster (as a married man, Ruth was not called up).  Owner Harry Frazee saw this as an opportunity to rebuild, cheaply, and bought up players from teams that were struggling with their financials.  Because the Sox lost their manager, Jack Barry, to the service, Frazee hired big Ed Barrow to manage the team on the field and the Sox's accounting!  Barrow's knowledge of the game was limited but he was a serious disciplinarian.  Barrow and The Babe butted heads immediately.

Ruth spent the entire offseason begging Barrow to let him play the field.  First base, outfield, anything.  The spots were open due to the departed players and Bambino just wanted to bat more often.  During exhibition games, Ruth was once again making baseballs vanish far beyond the field of play.  But Barrow wouldn't budge; Ruth was to pitch.

But since Barrow's strategic acumen was at a minimum, he put Harry Hooper (outfielder and, at the time, the team's best player) in charge of the on-field game.  Hooper knew Ruth's power and he knew it's draw to the fans.  So Hooper appealed to Barrow's financial side (since Barrow owned a share of the team) -- the more at bats for Babe, the more ticket-buying fans fill the seats.  In May, Barrow gave in.

On May 4th, Ruth homered (after calling his shot to the umpire).  The next game, May 6th, he played the outfield and hit a home run.  May 7th, he took a Walter Johnson pitch out of National Park and into a neighbor's yard.  On May 8th, he went 5 for 5.

Two weeks later Ruth had caught the strain of influenza that would kill 600,000 Americans.  But not Ruth.  He would return to baseball two weeks later and homer in four straight games.  He'd hit seven home runs in the span of one month.  Had he hit seven for the entire season, that would have been second best in the league.

In July, more players were called up to fight.  Barrow put Ruth back in to pitch again.  But Ruth had fallen too deeply in love with hitting.  He was already at 11 home runs with only half of the season done, the American League record was 16.  He continued to battle in out with Barrow for the rest of the season.  In July he hit five triples and four doubles, but no home runs.  In August he agreed to return to his pitching-only duties and didn't hit a single home run after than.

The Sox won the pennant, then beat the Cubs 4-2 in the World Series.  Ruth had two spectacular starts, including a six-hit shutout in the opener.

For the regular season, Ruth had tied for the major league lead in home runs, despite not playing a quarter of the games.  He was also first in the AL in Slugging Percentage (SLG), Production (OPS), and extra base hits.  He was also second in OBP, eighth in batting average, second in doubles, fifth in triples, and first in strikeouts (the batting kind, not the pitching kind).

As a pitcher, he completed 18 of his 19 starts.  He was 9th in ERA.  He had brought his walks down, so he finished second to Johnson in baserunners per 9 innings.  Had he been a full time pitcher he would have likely continued his southpaw statistical dominance, but no had ever multitasked to this level in major league baseball.  And no one would ever do it again.

The Red Sox were not fools, Ruth was going to get his appropriate time at the plate next season, but only if the World War did not stop the sport entirely.


Sources:
Creamer, Robert. Babe: The Legend Comes to Life. Simon & Schuster, New York. 1974.
Jenkinson, Bill. Baseball's Ultimate Power: Ranking the All-Time Greatest Distance Home Run Hitters. Lyons Press. 2010.
Jenkinson, Bill. The Year Babe Ruth Hit 104 Home Runs: Recrowning Baseball's Greatest Slugger. Carrol & Graf. 2007.
Montville, Leigh. The Big Bam: The Life and Times of Babe Ruth. Broadway Books, New York. 2006.




HITCHCOCK
(1931-1935)

Thanks to continuing box office success and a good relationship with British International Pictures, Alfred Hitchcock remained an in demand director.  In 1931, he directed The Skin Game, Rich and Strange, and Mary (the German version of Murder!).  This would be the last time three of his films were released in one year.  From 1932 to 1935 he directed Number Seventeen, Waltzes from Vienna (unavailable on home video), The Man Who Knew Too Much, and The 39 Steps.  The style and quality of these films varied greatly as he was still being hired to adapt purchased properties, and rarely had an opportunity to pursue ideas of his own.

The Skin Game (1931)

Like previous pictures of lower quality (see: Juno and the Paycock, or actually don't see it), Hitchcock was hired to adapt a popular play into a film.  This time it was John Galsworthy's The Skin Game.  Hitchcock didn't even want to talk about this film during his interviews with Francois Truffaut.  Donald Spoto, the great Hitchcock expert who always seems to find something positive in every Hitch film, avoids this one almost entirely.  For good reason.

It's boring.  Stuck-at-the-DMV boring.  It's a pity since Hitchcock viewed being boring as THE directorial deadly sin.  And it's also a shame because it has such a great title:  The Skin Game.  Sounds like a Grand Guignol horror story.  Or a lurid vintage porn film with white slavers and opium dens.  But it's not.

Oh dear. How do I get out of this film? (Source)
It's a land battle between the Old Rich and the New Rich.  This feud between the parents causes larger problems for their children until ultimately one of their daughters commits suicide.

There are themes of modern versus baroque, money versus sentiment, city versus country, industry versus agriculture.  But these are really more like settings than themes.  It's mostly about how the sins of the parents destroy their children.  But with cardboard spoiled characters and a complete absence of visual sense.

It's not schadenfreude that makes me enjoy watching Hitchcock struggle.  Instead, I feel more secure as an artist to witness struggles by the greats, seeing them stumble and labor on their way to an eventual ascent.

Aside from some interesting but ultimately unmotivated POV shots in an auction scene and some ample décolletage bearing in another sequence, The Skin Game flounders as cinema.  Adapting one medium for another is difficult, as even Hitchcock would attest.



Rich and Strange (1931)


(copyright Studio Canal)
Rich and Strange is indeed rich and strange.  It bubbles over with oddity, momentum, and (dare I say) zaniness.  It's an epic romantic comedy, that is anything but romantic.  There really isn't anything else like it in Sir Alfred's oeuvre.
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
     (The Tempest, Act 1, Scene 2)
Fred and Emily are a middle class married couple who are dissatisfied with their lives.  Then they receive a big inheritance with the money being earmarked only for their travels.  So they happily set off on a voyage around the world.  On the voyage they fall out of love with each other, and into love with others; she with a military man and he with a fake princess.  Their cruise ship sinks while they sleep and in their escape they are left alone, until Chinese pirates salvage the ship and take them to safety.  They return to their old life and have to figure out how to deal with each other on normal terms.

What makes this unlike any other "romantic" comedy are the details.  Two onscreen deaths, including one graphic drowning.  A spectacularly gruesome dead cat joke.  And the fact that Fred and Emily don't just cutely fall for others outside their marriage.  They actively have sex with them on the same cruise ship.  It suddenly puts the film in grown-up territory that contemporary comedies dare not tread.  And the alacrity with which this happens (especially with Fred and the princess) makes one question if the marriage should continue.  What would normally be light marital quibbling in the final scene is underscored by their sexual choices and the deaths they have seen.  That which is daffy on the surface is actually quite complicated underneath.

(copyright Studio Canal)
And Hitchcock's style, so repressed in the previous film, EXPLODES out of the gate in this one.  A four-minute silent opening, with shadows painted Expressionistically on the walls.  Dozens of silent-film-style title cards pop up throughout, even once the dialogue starts.  There's a dizzying Parisian montage with rapid split-second cuts reminiscent of Vertov and Eisenstein.  And jump cuts!  Then there are fractured unfinished scenes that are tied together with further montage.

Hitch suddenly has film-school brazenness tied to actual skill, with visuals wrapping sophisticated themes.  At moments he seems to be trying to break through to a new style of filmmaking.  It's funny and weird and exciting and...

The film was a flop at the box office.

Unlike The Skin Game, Rich and Strange wasn't an adaptation (despite what Wikipedia says).  The idea was pitched to Hitch and his wife, Alma.  They then did the research and developed it on their own.  Thus it feels so much more personal than the previous film, or most of his other cinema up to that point.

Though it failed publicly, it's an artistic victory for Hitchcock.  He gets to use one of his favorite themes -- people yearning for a more exciting life and then regret when they get it -- and packages it with cinematic excitement.  Could he keep this up in his next film?



Number Seventeen (1932)

No.  A pattern of "one for me, one for them" begins to emerge, as Hitch was hired to adapt ...wait for it... a popular stage play, Number Seventeen.

Ugh.  Even Hitch called it, "A disaster!" (Truffaut 81)  I have to say that it's the worst Hitchcock film I've seen so far.  It's right up there with The Farmer's Wife.  I have so many notes on this.  I'll list only some since they start getting repetitive:

  • Acting is somehow both broad and stiff.  (Insert joke here.)
  • Amateur porn level of line delivery.
  • Written by Ed Wood's twelve year old handicapped son
  • Terrible pacing fueled by strange editing.  Did someone just keep falling on the editing flatbed?
  • Characters keep showing up, each less interesting than the last
  • Characters abandoned when they're no longer of use to the writer?
  • Nominee for worst fight scene in cinema?
  • Every time there's a twist, it gets announced again in the dialogue
  • Every twist stupider than the last
  • The eyelines don't match
  • Quick cutting and weird camera tricks, none of which are motivated
  • The town bus travels as fast as an out of control train?
  • Miniature work is more primitive than Melies' Trip to the Moon
  • Stunts are urine-inducingly funny. Maybe I should watch this in the bathroom.

You get the point.  I was going to write about how this would fit right into the works of Ed Wood and piss on it further.

But then I read a quote by Hitchcock about this time in his life.  I'd never seen him get this personal.  I'm still thinking about it:
In fact, at this time my reputation wasn't very good, but luckily I was unaware of this......I don't ever remember saying to myself, "You're finished; your career is at its lowest ebb." And yet outwardly, to other people, I believe it was......There was no careful analysis of what I was doing. Since those days I've learned to be very self-critical, to step back and take a second look. And never to embark on a project unless there's an inner feeling of comfort about it, a conviction that something good will come of it.
(Truffaut 85)
So, what would come of it?  We'll see in Part B.

TO BE CONTINUED...


Sources:
Spoto, Donald. The Art Of Alfred Hitchcock. Anchor Books, New York. 1992.
Truffaut, Francois. Hitchcock. Simon & Schuster, Paris. 1984.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

LIQUOR ALERT! Destination: Ralph's

Ralphs has the most outrageous sale on liquor and wine in the history of Ralphs.  I'm only telling you this because I've relieved them of all their whisky.  All of it.


One may think "30%? What's the big deal?"  But it is 30% off their sale prices.  And everything is on sale.  Thus:

Tanqueray Rangpur is 44% off.
Belvedere is 56% off.
Jamesons is 39% off.
Johnnie Walker Black is 44% off.
Johnnie Walker Green is 40% off (About $39. You will not find it cheaper in CA.)
Macallan 12 year is 36% off ($35. Again, cheapest in the state)
Macallan 18 year is 35% off ($119.  Same.)

Standing in the liquor aisle, I stopped seeing shapes and colors.  After shopping, I sat in my car staring into space, feeling like I'd just robbed the place.  I THINK this runs until the 24th.

We're going to need a bigger condo.

Dear Kristen, um, there may be some hyperbole hidden above.  I did exercise constraint, but don't look in the garage storage space.
JUST KIDDING!

Or am I?

Things we have learned about our condo this week

What the hell is wrong now?
The ceiling may rattle like a jackhammer between midnight and 3am.  How could that be?  Three HVAC (heating, venting, airconditioning) units sit on the roof directly above our bedroom.  One of those three units is out of whack, like an unbalanced washing machine.  It violently shakes every couple of minutes once activated, thusly thumping the cruddy roof above our tired heads.  It does not belong to us, though it sits directly on top of our property.

Thus I have had to employ neighbor conflict resolution (NCR).  NCR is lovely experience that shifts between F*****G RAGE and calm discussion at any moment.

We must begin Yenta Management because any bit of NCR gets gossiped around the entire building in less than a day.  And nothing undoes a successful bit of NCR like a yenta flapping her gums out of turn.

There are battle lines drawn between neighbors.  Holy crap.

This is our apartment. (Source)
Bull. (Source)
Yay, rain!  Boo, bird slamming into our balcony door.

There is no way to drive out the termites.  According to everyone here, the building has been bug bombed, tented, microwave-treated, and orange-oiled.  The termites are here to stay.  I will try to work out a truce with them too.

Also, sparks and smoke may shoot out of an outlet.  Twice.  Yeah, that's pretty cool.  Electrician took care of that problem.  Then two days later we discovered that:

Sparks and smoke may shoot out of a light switch.  Shocking, I tell you!  Hella safe.

Some of the windows originally installed don't actually fit the space cut for the windows.  That may give you an hint about how this building was built.  That discovery was much cooler than the sloppy gap that was punched in the ceiling to install the old smoke detector.

Our sense of humor about this place is quickly dissipating.  The flow of disappointment has rarely ebbed since Day One when I unlocked the front door to find a termite swarm 50-strong bouncing around our living room.

Before purchasing our home, we had set aside a not-inconsiderable bit of savings to spruce this place up, improve our investment, and make it into our home.  Most of that money has gone and will go into simply keeping this place livable.  Those dream projects for which we'd saved will have to wait years or be discarded altogether.  The emotional upheaval that went into this move (which had followed the truly ugly experience of purchasing this place) has now segued directly into the feeling that we walk the tightrope above larger unseen struggles.

Now, I cannot say that Kristen feels 100% the same as I do regarding the sentences in the above paragraph.  She is full of constructive optimism which is a gift that I admire.  But I do know that this has been very draining on us both.  And we're not getting wiser via this "learning".  We're mentally fatigued.  And frankly, I'm getting dumber.

That was supposed to be the whisky's job, not the condo's.

This is the 13th image that shows up on a Google Image search for our condo.
Thought you'd like to know. (Source)